Someone who is very challenging to get along with is an ex-spouse. It’s a soon-to-be ex-spouse with considerable conflict. Dealing with a personality. A personality that is not conducive to resolving complex issues in a divorce. Someone with a volatile nature or problems controlling their rage. Your health and safety must take precedence. Get tips for divorcing a high-conflict ex-spouse.
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Get out of there. Get your lawyer to represent you. Request a protection order or other form of injunctive relief. Your well-being should always come first. Keep records of everything. Keep a record of the outbursts. If you need to protect yourself or want a record of the outburst, call the police. Make a list of all the things you have in the house. Utilizing your phone to conduct an inventory is the quickest method. Follow the court’s orders as the case progresses. Have your attorney file a motion if you need to get something or do a thing not permitted by the court order. Make sure the motion is specific. You want the court to be understanding. The court must support you.
What is a high-conflict spouse? How do you know if you have a possible high-conflict spouse?
High-conflict divorce. This refers to separations where one or both spouses act badly. The behavior is meant to purposefully stall the divorce process. It is also intended to cause one another unneeded emotional suffering. At first glance, the phrase “high-conflict divorce” can appear unnecessary. After all, if there wasn’t a lot of conflict in the marriage, a couple wouldn’t be asking for a divorce. But some divorce proceedings are far more acrimonious than others.
Every circumstance is unique, the following traits often show a high-conflict divorce:
[ a ] the other partner demonizing the other;
[ b ] damaging communication patterns;
[ c ] disagreements about the details of the divorce with no conclusion in sight;
[ d ] the drama of the divorce overshadowing the needs of the children; and
[ e ] a feeling of helplessness among all parties concerned.
One partner may exhibit high-conflict personality traits in some high-conflict divorces. This renders them prone to having trouble making decisions or adapting to change. But where does supporting what they want become acting in a high-conflict manner? Your soon-to-be ex-spouse may be exhibiting any of these traits. You may be divorcing a high-conflict individual:
[ a ] strict demands and thinking
[ b ] laying blame and acting like a victim
[ c ] uncontrolled emotions, and
[ d ] harsh actions or verbal threats.
A high-conflict person may be prone to confrontation. That person will often turn little disputes into protracted conflicts. They could experience attacks, and feel defeated or under control.
What personality creates a high-conflict ex-spouse?
We have written about many types of high-conflict personalities among parents in divorce. We’ve written about toxic spouses, malicious parents, and narcissistic parents. These personalities are instigators of high-conflict divorce.
The toxic spouse.
A former partner may make an effort to sway the views and emotions of their children. Influence it to act against the other parent. By definition, this sort of parent is a toxic co-parent. Bad things can happen as a result of toxic parenting. Slander and finger-pointing are two examples of this type of conduct. There are further ways to be manipulative. The results of this behavior can be tragic. It has the power to permanently ruin relationships. Disputes with toxic spouses are frequent and can be expected. There may be times when these disagreements appear overpowering and out of control. This most likely shows that you and your ex-spouse have serious communication problems. It may not always show signs of a “toxic” relationship. The limits of your recently ended marriage are disregarded by the toxic ex-spouse. With them, you cannot co-parent. It’s challenging to start a new life. They struggle to let go of ex-partners and will cling to them for dear life.
The narcissistic spouse.
Someone who is very self-centered is a narcissist. Narcissistic people are charming and highly functional. They battle with feelings of superiority and entitlement. They need to command attention as a result. To fulfill their wants, they take advantage of anyone, including family members. They seek excessive praise. Nepotism excludes empathy. It is one of the main issues that those in relationships with them deal with. Narcissists find it difficult to understand how others could feel. When people act selfishly, they are not aware of it. They oppose or refuse to take responsibility when they are at fault. They are unable to accept accountability for their deeds. They criticize others because they are so self-absorbed. Healthy family ties are hard to sustain for those with narcissistic personalities. They alienate loved ones, friends, and coworkers. They do so by their haughtiness, grandiosity, and lack of empathy. Narcissistic people deliberately exploit others for their benefit. At least one of the following actions is a tendency for them. It can include shaming other people, lying, and getting attention. They are manipulating, and have no qualms about breaking the law.
The malicious ex-spouse.
We wrote about malicious parents or parents with Malicious Mother Syndrome here. A parent can manifest malicious parent syndrome. That parent may forbid the other parent from seeing or speaking to the children. Some parents may object to visits if the other parent doesn’t provide child support. Psychologist Ira Turkat coined the phrase “malicious parent syndrome.” It refers to a pattern of deviant parent behavior that occurs following divorce. Situations related to this syndrome were known as “malicious mother syndrome.” It is now more often recognized as “malicious parent syndrome.” The medical profession no longer considers malicious mother syndrome to be a mental illness. The deeds of a malicious parent are often unlawful or criminal. This is true when one parent hits the other or messes with their belongings. Parents with malicious parent syndrome deliberately mistreat a child or children. They deny children food, money, or other necessities, for example—to hurt the other parent.
You can learn during the divorce process about a lot of things about your spouse. You may discover your spouse to be narcissistic or blatantly hostile. You may even discover your spouse to be passive-aggressive. All these circumstances won’t be simple to handle. Some spouses will act in ways meant to make you feel horrible. Fighting back or defending yourself could make you feel better. In the end, it won’t have any impact on your ex-spouse’s decision. Instead, focus your limited resources on raising your children or starting a new life.
What are the tips for divorcing a high-conflict spouse?
Parenting that is collaborative or cooperative is implied by the term “co-parent.” In a tense relationship, the idea of “co-parenting” could be a stretch. You could not be raising your children together every day. You must respect each other’s boundaries. You talk about issues that worry you both. You choose not to involve your children in the conflict. With a high-conflict spouse or ex-spouse, this could be a daunting everyday task. You may not be able to avoid conflict altogether. You can lessen the opportunities or vulnerabilities. Here are some tips to lessen the risk of conflict:
Keep your child’s welfare in mind.
When you’re sad and irritated, it makes sense to want your loved ones close by. Even if your ex-spouse was at fault, you should fight the urge to discuss divorce issues with the children. The majority of experts agree. Children who are in a loving relationship perform much better. Make an effort to provide your children with this opportunity. The opportunity to feel the parents’ affection.
Choose reason over emotion.
In a contentious divorce, be careful not to allow your ego to get in the way of your reasoning. Your ex-spouse can attempt to incite you into a new argument. Get you into an argument about a subject connected to your divorce. Your co-parent can be angry due to the past. The divorce itself may be upsetting to your co-parent. It can be beneficial to preserve your composure and dignity. You have a clearer perspective of things. Tell your co-parent that you won’t talk to them again until you can discuss the situation calmly. Let your lawyer represent you moving forward if it isn’t possible.
Don’t reply to every SMS or email right away.
Instead of immediately responding in an emotionally charged manner. Describe your thoughts in writing. Then let it alone for a day, and then return to it. You’ll have more time to cool off. You can avoid reacting inappropriately to your high-conflict, soon-to-be ex-spouse. Recognize that your partner may be attempting to lure you into a heated discussion. Don’t fall into the trap. Although you can’t change them, you can choose how you react.
Acquire the ability to go through your overly protective feelings.
The fact is that you cannot shield your children from failure and sorrow. They are not safe from a parent who has let them down. Teach children effective problem-solving methods. Encourage your children to get along with their other parents. You can aid in their resiliency development. Do not express any unfavorable feelings to anyone. As you rebuild your family after the divorce, do your best to cooperate. You can help children succeed in their own lives in this way.
Set a good example for interpersonal interactions.
Teaching your children how to deal with disagreement. It can make them more successful adults. Deeply care, but respectfully disagree. Please be considerate of one another’s time. At all costs, refrain from involving your children in the quarrel.
Change your focus from blaming to problem-solving.
Ask for a suggestion. Do this when a person in a high-conflict situation complains or starts to assign blame. Who will do what, when, and where are all the details of a plan? The other side can reply to the idea by saying “yes,” “no,” or “I’ll think about it.” This keeps the conversation on the solution. Do you have any suggestions on how we might resolve that? What do you recommend we do? This negotiating strategy aids the parties in finding solutions. It stops escalating the conflict.
Work with your attorney. Give specifics about your divorce.
Create the divorce decree in collaboration with your attorney. Your partner could do everything to sabotage the plan. Make the changeover less difficult for everyone. Give your attorney the specifics of your parenting schedule. Include the times and circumstances for when the kids are picked up and dropped off. An excellent parenting time schedule includes specifics. If adhered to religiously, it can ease tension. Toxic divorces may result from infidelity or a lack of emotional support from one spouse. You don’t know how to ease tensions with your spouse. Due to this, the divorce procedure could take months to complete. Finances are the primary source of contention in the majority of high-conflict situations. To influence the outcome of the divorce, your spouse can try to conceal assets. Your spouse can fabricate income. He or she could try to avoid paying spousal support or child support. Your spouse can assert an unfair claim to a larger part of the marital assets. Gathering crucial financial information. Collect and organize documents. Gather pay stubs, tax returns, company records, and credit card bills. Get copies of deeds, bank accounts, and insurance policies. This is one way to start preparing for a high-conflict divorce.
Create your personal support system.
One of the most difficult situations a person may go through is divorce. Divorces with a lot of disputes might be more challenging. Getting the emotional support you need is a crucial aspect of divorce preparation. A divorce coach may be used by some divorcing couples. Some people go to weekly counseling sessions where they may express their grievances in a private setting. Others, though, rely on trustworthy family members and acquaintances. Create a support system today so that you have someone to turn to when things get too much.
Sadly, once-in-a-lifetime marriages frequently end in divorce. One partner may experience grief, worry, or even feel deceived by the union. A once-loving relationship has become tense. You may prevent a high-conflict divorce by using the simple measures mentioned above. The legal process will take less time, money, and effort as a result.
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