You separated. You have a child. You and the child have a custody disagreement. Although your ex-spouse is highly challenging and combative, you are being reasonable. Your ex-spouse is unpleasant and unhelpful. How does one co-parent with a difficult ex?
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You must take a seat somewhere impartial and establish some expectations. Trade-off expectations. To reduce conflict, establish guidelines and rules. Many courts offer computerized tools for establishing communication between parents. Use those to keep tabs on interactions and chats. Private texting cannot compare to this. It keeps an eye on communication and may lessen outbursts and disputes. Court officials will have access to the exchanges. You must have systematic, impartial communication. Avoid the impulse to vehemently and persistently advocate your position. Being impartial and mild is important.
What are parenting time and co-parenting?
Parents do not necessarily live together. In Michigan, parenting time refers to the time a child spends with their respective parent. In Michigan, children are entitled to parental time with their parents. This is mandatory unless the court decides that doing so would endanger the child. This refers to endangering the child’s physical, mental, or emotional well-being. In general, children should undergo frequent and prolonged parenting sessions. These sessions are designed to strengthen the parent-child bond.
Co-parenting means that both parents actively participate and cooperate. Participation in the upbringing of children. Most divorce decrees and custody orders require some degree of joint custody. This is true except in extreme cases like when there is domestic violence. As a parent, you participate in parental time exchanges and child-related activities. You can also communicate during medical examinations and parent meetings. Their involvement in other child-related matters is an example of co-parenting. This means sharing responsibility for making decisions that benefit children. This is about their growth and connection with their parents.
Healthy co-parenting is more than just the absence of disagreements. Children feel more comfortable and stable. They feel supported when their parents raise them properly together. Children who have positive co-parenting connections may also be more adept at problem-solving. Such children are less likely to pit one parent against the other to get what they want. That way, you are less likely to antagonize each other as parents.
What do you mean by a difficult ex-spouse?
It might be challenging to tell a difficult spouse from a difficult co-parent. We are usually staring at the same individual. There will almost always be conflict during the legal proceedings in a custody dispute. There will be difficult-to-get-rid-of feelings like rage and resentment. Despite your best efforts, your partner could be stubborn and resist moving forward. Deciding what to do next might be difficult. Parents can be challenging in a variety of ways. They could be a nasty or spiteful spouse, a narcissist, or a compulsive liar. A manipulative parent might be a challenging co-parent.
A narcissist.
A narcissist is someone who is very self-centered. Narcissistic people are endearing and functional. They fight sentiments of superiority and arrogance. As a result, they crave attention. To meet their wants, they take advantage of everyone, even family members. They look for excessive praise. Narcissists lack empathy. One of the biggest problems people who are in relationships with them face is their lack of empathy. Narcissists struggle to comprehend what another person might be feeling. Selfish behavior is often unintentional with narcissists. They resist or refuse to own up to their errors. They are unable to acknowledge their mistakes. Because they are arrogant, they blame others.
Compulsive liar.
Even under ideal conditions, child custody disputes can be tense. The divorce procedure soon becomes painful and highly emotional. It turns into a potentially destructive process. One spouse may be a habitual liar who will say anything to get their desired outcome, such as custody. One partner continually level allegations against the other. These accusations may include physical abuse, extensive drug and alcohol usage, and more. It might involve abandoning or neglecting children. Usually, the accused parent answers by saying that the charges are unfounded.
The spiteful spouse.
Sometimes, sensitive topics like child custody bring out the worst in people. People could get a win-or-lose mentality while dealing with high-conflict situations. When they don’t get their way, some people become irritable. The result of pain and despair is a spouse or parent who is nasty or resentful. It is the inability to acknowledge and control the evolving conditions. Spiteful people can’t see the big picture. They are just concerned with the situation as it is right now and how they feel about it. Negotiating with them, as a result, is very challenging, if not impossible.
The malicious spouse.
The term “malicious mother syndrome” is used most frequently to describe it. In Michigan, this description might not be correct. Mothers and fathers are both capable of acting out. The “Malicious Parent Syndrome” co-parent might be very strict. To reach the other parent, they resort to aggressive means. Unintentionally, one parent starts by berating the other. Their children will suffer as a result. A malicious parent may harm or reject their children. All is done to harm the other parent’s reputation.
Unresolved issues may persist for a long time after the legal issues have been resolved. There may still be feelings of resentment, anger, betrayal, hurt, and disappointment. Co-parenting gets caught up in the ongoing, unresolved dispute. Only one parent can differentiate between ongoing spousal power conflicts. Problems that are genuinely in the child’s best interests can be identified by one parent. The co-parenting dynamic may significantly shift as a result of this insight. Never forget your contribution to the conversation. Focusing on the inadequacies of the other parent might be easy. Every ex-spouse is aware of their weaknesses. Do not bring them up during your interaction. Nobody is a co-parenting expert.
How to co-parent with a difficult ex-spouse?
A never-ending sequence of compromises. This is all that many people see parenthood as being. Every aspect of parenting is not always agreed upon by couples. They are constantly forced to reach a compromise of some sort. This difference in mindset about the best ways to raise children is a major cause of annoyance. Some people just find it to be a small, sporadic source of irritation. For families affected by divorce, parental compromise can feel like a fight. It can be so for families with a lot of emotional baggage already. Households where there is unresolved rage and pain. Here are some lessons you can take away about dealing with a difficult ex-spouse.
Set new limitations.
This is all about you and how you will interact (or not) with your ex-spouse. Refrain from taking the bait. Discard defensiveness and emotional outbursts. Establish communication time limits and adhere to them. Limit your communication channels. Use email and parental portals instead of texting. Use online applications or platforms. They are free and can help co-parents communicate and prevent arguments. You might want to think about deleting your ex-spouse from your social media accounts. When your ex-spouse tests your resolve, it will be up to you to uphold your limits.
Understand the dynamics and how they operate.
How does a single breath change the interaction with your ex-spouse? Do you communicate in recognized patterns? Do you ever experience provoked fears? Are those worries justified by facts and logic? What can you do to change a negative dynamic and direct it in a way that will benefit and protect you? Keep in mind that the children, your sanity, and your integrity are non-negotiable. And the only person you have any power over is you.
Accept the things you cannot change.
Your co-parent is someone you can never change. No matter how much, in your perspective, your ex-spouse needs to change. Your own life and responses are what you can and must control. You expect to have your buttons pushed when co-parenting with a difficult ex-spouse. Uphold your resolve to great parenting. Have a steady temperament and calm demeanor.
You don’t have to answer right away.
Co-parenting with a difficult ex-spouse is largely about remaining non-involved. You will undoubtedly need to take part on behalf of your children. You do have the authority and freedom to decide how and when to participate. Breathe deeply and step back. There’s always something your ex-spouse says or writes that sends a rush of adrenaline. Perform your “reacting” inside or by ranting to a friend. Do your “responding” when you have calmed down. Go to bed and think about it. Set a manageable “delay time” for responding to all non-emergencies.
Document your interaction. Keep track of your conversations.
You don’t have to tell anyone. Do it discretely and consistently. Keep a notebook or a journal. Record dates, times, communications, and agreement violations. Keep documenting until such time you may need it in a legal setting. The notes and information are for your eyes only. Having evidence on hand helps save a lot of mudslinging when “he said, she said” situations arise.
Keep in mind that effective parenting comes in many stages. When bargaining with your co-parent, keep this in mind. The parents who are unhurried and relaxed represent one end of the range. The more structured and organized people are on the other side. There is a ton of room for variety on that spectrum. An excessively carefree attitude can lead to neglect. An excessively methodical approach may become abusive. Different parents have different parenting styles. They are still good parents despite everything.
After your divorce, your co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse or partner continues. After the child custody dispute is settled, it doesn’t end. Co-parenting can be difficult. It is particularly if you were involved in an extremely bitter legal dispute. You can use these tips for dealing with a difficult ex-spouse. It can assist in solving issues as they come up. It aids in preventing post-judgment custody changes.
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