According to a survey of the National Center for Health Statistics under the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC, there were 1,676,911 marriages in the US in 2020, suggesting a marriage rate of about 5.1 per 1,000 total population. In 45 states that participated, there were 630,505 divorces which shows 2.3 divorces per 1,000 population.
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Do you know the ratio of divorces for folks ages 50 and higher is 10 per 1,000 population? This shows the odds of divorce happening increases as you get older.
Michigan is a “no fault” divorce state. It doesn’t matter what is causing or driving the divorce, the courts will go through the process of granting it. The only thing that matters to the court is the best interest of the child in all the drama accompanying divorce cases.
Why the interest in the reasons for divorces if it doesn’t matter in Michigan courts anyway?
The reason for this interest is to give you context of what drives that one person to make your life difficult during the whole divorce process. When we say difficult, we are referring to the condition giving you the stress of pursuing divorce and pushing the cost of the divorce off your financial ceiling.
The one person in all of that is the vindictive spouse.
The Vindictive Spouse and The Reasons for Being
A really vindictive spouse can manifest their scorn for you in so many ways. You may be familiar with some of them such as:
- Refusing to adhere to court orders
- Lying or hiding assets
- Using the kids as a bargaining chip in the divorce
- Misrepresenting one’s ability to pay support expenses
- Avoiding joint parenting of children
- Causing the divorce to proceed with excessive lag
- Using coercive or intimidating methods during a divorce
- False domestic violence accusations
- Fabricated claims of child abuse
- Adopting irrational attitudes on simple issues
You may have good recognition for these drivers because a big chunk of them you probably contributed, intentionally or unintentionally. Reflect and look back what made your spouse evolve or transform to this individual you now call a vindictive spouse. You have to look back objectively because it can be a large portion of what will be a long talk with your attorney about what is driving this vindictiveness.
If you sum it up, the drivers of divorce (and seem to be true in high profile divorces) can be attributed to infidelity, unbearable financial hardships, physical abuse, and substance abuse.
To some, the outcome of divorce is not just extreme financial adjustments, it affects the general well-being of people.
Statistically, the experience of divorce or separation significantly increases your chances of dying by 23% due to the declining health immediately after a divorce judgment. Health wise a significant 10% to 15% do recover from the pains of divorce or separation. Resilience seems to be the key to surviving the challenges of divorce.
The Unique Opportunities for A Vindictive Spouse in the Divorce Process
We mentioned all those behaviors reflecting the manifestations of a vindictive spouse. Now all that behavior is going to be stalking you after the initial process of divorce.
The waiting period.
The waiting period is supposedly your cooling off period. For a vindictive spouse, cooling off may not be the best word to use considering all the things they are about to do to you and your pursuit of divorce. Your spouse may actually be in a seething scheming streak by being a difficult spouse at home or at work.
In Michigan, the waiting time is at least 60 days for a couple without children and 180 days for a couple with young children.
The rationale for the waiting or cooling off is to allow the couples to sort things out, think things through. The state still believes in preserving marriage. Your spouse may have the same idea about prolonging marriage but it may not have anything to do with preservation. The amount of time can be an opportunity to create “small” and “irritating” inconveniences for you.
While some of these waiting periods may seem excessively long, others can be shortened with the approval of both parties. The whole point is to give you time to think things through. You don’t necessarily have to cohabitate with your ex-spouse just because your divorce isn’t yet official. It simply means you are unable to be remarried at this time, and depending on when your divorce occurs, you might still be required to file your taxes jointly.
The filing of the complaint.
You or your spouse may have been very vocal about it. You may have already had a heads up that it’s coming. A vindictive spouse may want to have a satisfying experience of seeing your face when divorce papers come as a “surprise”. Surprise may be contextual in your case. It may come as a frown, a jaw-dropping, anger, exasperation but it will be satisfying for your vindictive spouse.
The answering of the complaint.
You can’t really be sure if your spouse’s attorney will appreciate it but your vindictive spouse may want to hold on to answering the complaint until the last minute. Your opposing party may want to act on practically any motion just in time just to keep the process lagging.
The temporary orders.
Your spouse may think it’s fun to ignore court orders just to keep you running around in circles. A vindictive spouse is going to risk being cited for contempt just to spite you. Expect some of those orders to be defied. The lying part will come in handy when the court orders inventory of assets in preparation for property division. In the extreme the kids may even be used as bargaining chips during custody and parenting time.
The discovery phase.
This is where your vindictive spouse’s finest moments of lying and obfuscation will truly shine. You won’t get anything discovered literally because the spouse will be hiding things, uncooperative, and use delaying tactics in submitting relevant documents and information.
The mediation or arbitration process.
The whole point of being vindictive is to deliver aggravation. Make you aggravated. The goal of arbitration and mediation is to find common ground. The only thing common to a vindictive spouse is to put you on the ground. There won’t be a middle ground because the vindictive spouse will not give up or compromise.
In the process of pursuing this vindictiveness, the cost of divorce will go up. Everything will take time. Process will be circumvented forcing your attorney to do a lot of work arounds adding to the cost of serving you. You’re paying your attorney per hour aside from the usual retainers. Nothing will give your vindictive spouse more pleasure than seeing your face aggravated with all that billings.
What To Do, No Magic But This Will Do
There is no magic formula to get around a vindictive spouse. Your spouse is human. That human being is in pain. Maybe it’s because of you. Maybe it’s all their doing or undoing. There’s a whole industry or profession dealing with that pain; it’s called psychiatry and psychotherapy.
One, talk to an attorney.
Divorce is not going to need wizards. It needs attorneys. So the first right thing to do is get a good attorney who subscribes to the vision of what your divorce is going to be. We are always advocating this. Get an attorney in sync with your vision of how you want the divorce to be concluded for you and your spouse. Your attorney might even have a good experience about dealing with a vindictive spouse.
Two, have a heart to heart talk.
We know it will be hard. The word vindictive makes it hard. The talk should not focus on you and your wife but the kids. You need to try especially in a divorce involving minor children. You need to talk about the effect of the divorce process on the children and its ultimate outcome which is being separated from them at certain times. You will need to explain these things and you need to be in sync in making your kids understand. Not for your sake or your spouse but for the best interest of the children.
Three, worry about the financial future.
You need to worry about spousal support, about child support. You have to worry about having to live somewhere, having to find better means of earning because of the added expense of the divorce. You need to have a collaborative attitude to keep the lifestyle to keep the quality of life for your kids.
Four, be very conscious of your behavior.
You need to be deliberate about your behavior. You already have a very vindictive spouse going after you. Don’t behave in a manner adding more fuel to your spouse’s vindictiveness. You also need to have restraint because you might bring your reaction to your spouse with you. Your own kids might get exposed to your behavior reacting to your spouse.
Five, however desperate, don’t use your children.
In your exasperation, you might be tempted to bad mouth your spouse to your kids. Please don’t. It won’t be good for your kids and certainly it won’t help you with the court during the child custody proceedings. Don’t use your kid as a leverage to get to your wife like not allowing contact or restricting parenting time.
Six, take care of your emotional and mental health.
Yes it’s stressful already just considering divorce. It is made even more difficult by a vindictive wife. Find better and creative ways to manage your stress. If you need a therapist, we recommend you go ahead and get one. Find your center. Collect yourself so you can stay focused on what’s important.
Remember, ultimately the divorce process will end. Your ex will stay ex until you die (unless you want to remarry your ex before you die). You will have to work with your spouse to give a semblance of a normal life for your kids.
Your kids will never be the same again after the divorce. School age kids are known to feel anger about divorce. Their grades in school deteriorate. Children start withdrawing socially. Those younger will start regressing with sleeping and eating patterns changing erratically.
You will have to deal with your vindictive spouse not just for the expediency of the divorce process but because of its anticipated impact on your children post divorce.
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Goldman & Associates Law Firm is here to with information about Child Custody and Divorce in the State of Michigan.