You will encounter all types of people throughout your life. You’re going to get married. There will be relationships you establish. Some will be toxic. You might even decide to divorce a toxic individual and co-parent with them. With a toxic ex, how do I co-parent? Here, toxic refers to poison. The relationship you have with your children could become poisoned. You may be poisoning the children’s perception of the other parent.
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A decent person works with you to develop and maintain connections with your family, friends, and other important people in your life. The purpose of the interaction and dynamics is to foster a favorable atmosphere for everyone involved. Children can be perceptive too just like adults. Your children will eventually distinguish between toxic and non-toxic people. Both you and your children will endure the consequences.
The Wonders of Co-parenting
Co-parenting is when both parents actively participate in and work together on the raising of their children. The majority of divorce judgements and custody orders ask for some amount of co-parenting, with the exception of extreme circumstances, such as domestic violence.
Involvement in parenting time exchanges and child-related activities, as well as communication regarding doctor’s visits, parent-teacher conferences, and other child-related matters, are all examples of co-parenting. In terms of mechanics, this is having joint responsibility for making decisions for your children’s wellbeing, development, and connections with both parents.
The State Court Administrative Office of Michigan published the most updated edition of the Michigan Parenting Time Guideline last March 2022. It is a very useful resource for divorced parents in managing their co-parenting roles. What it does not publish in that guideline is the benefits of co-parenting.
After data from 4 decades of study on shared parenting, here’s what we found out.
[a] Parental ties are strengthened by co-parenting.
[b] After a year, 90% of parents agree that having joint custody had a significant good effect on both themselves and their kids.
[c] Children who have joint custody are 80% less likely to experience parental abandonment in the future.
[d] When both parents split parenting time, a child’s chances of being emotionally, physically, academically, and relationally successful are doubled.
[e] Shared parenting reduces the likelihood of parental conflict by 80% through eliminating unfairness and litigation.
[f] Co-parenting strengthens the love of both the mother and the father equally.
[g] Children between the ages of 0 and 4 showed notable advantages when each parent received at least 35% of the visitation time.
There’s very credible empirical data supporting the great things about co-parenting. This strongly supports the position of the state and the family courts about protecting the best interests of the child. It works and there’s data to support it.
We can celebrate and embrace all the above benefits of parenting but what happens if we end up with a toxic ex whose existence seems designed to ruin everything about co-parenting.
Yes, toxic ex. Your toxic ex.
The Toxic Ex That Ruins Co-Parenting
The toxic ex disregards the limitations of your recently ended marital relationship. They have a hard time moving on from ex-spouses and will cling to them for dear life, making it impossible for you to co-parent with them and start a new life. Remember that your new life still has your children in it. And so is your ex.
You’re co-parenting. Even if you do move on, your ex is going to be around on a more or less regular basis. Imagine meeting your toxic ex on a regular basis.
We posted an article way back about “How To Deal With A Vindictive Spouse During Divorce In Michigan“ in our Legal Blog here. In that article we wrote about all of those actions indicative of a vengeful spouse. And we enumerated all those manifested behavior such as:
[a] Refusing to adhere to court orders
[b] Lying or hiding assets
[c] Using the kids as a bargaining chip in the divorce
[d] Misrepresenting one’s ability to pay support expenses
[e] Avoiding joint parenting of children
[f] Causing the divorce to proceed with excessive lag
[g] Using coercive or intimidating methods during a divorce
[h] False domestic violence accusations
[i] Fabricated claims of child abuse
[j] Adopting irrational attitudes on simple issues
After the original divorce procedure, all of that same behavior mentioned above will now hound you when you’re dealing with a toxic ex. And, some of these behaviors you probably witnessed already, especially that you were once married to one.
Here’s some of the more common ones you should expect from a toxic ex spouse:
[1] They will use the court processes and systems to be around you longer.
Because they know you’ll bring them back to court, they will disobey court orders. This is a mix of passive-aggressive communication with an ex-spouse. Your toxic ex believes he or she has the right to penalize you and maintain contact with you through the legal system. This is one excellent reason to ensure that your settlement agreement is solid before filing for divorce.
[2] They will have no problem using your children against you.
By criticizing you and your actions in front of the children, they can attempt to turn your children against you. Alternatively, they may even abandon their own kids as a form of retaliation against you for whatever they believe you have done wrong. Similar to a vindictive spouse, a toxic ex feels wounded and can be dangerous. In an effort to dominate you or punish you in some way, they are willing to harm their own children.
[3] They sow the seed of doubt in your family and your social circle.
You’ll hear remarks that portray you as a failure because you can’t keep the marriage together. They will say and do anything it takes to defeat the objectives you set for yourself. Some of these toxic parents will even go so far as to prophesy their children’s aspirations would fail. Any comments from someone with such a manipulative and vindictive mindset should be disregarded.
[4] They see you and blame you for their unhappiness.
No matter what is making them sad, you will be held responsible. Your toxic ex will blame you if they mistreat your kids and make them resentful. You’ll take the fall if they get fired, the heater breaks, or just can’t seem to get anything right. You may go for weeks or even months without speaking to or seeing them, but you can be sure that if something goes wrong, you will be made responsible.
[5] You will be their excuse for their own bad behavior.
You can be sure if they decide to neglect your children’s needs, it will be due to something you said or did. They have to make it seem as though they had no choice in order to be able to live with their own poor decisions so as to lessen the guilt. They actually believe all of their poor decisions are the result of some wrong you have done.
[6] They will have no respect for your privacy.
Your life’s experiences will be examined with your children. Children are an easy way for the toxic ex-wife or ex-husband to learn details about you and your life. There is a distinction between cordial communication and an effort to exert control, which is what the toxic ex wants to do. They still believe they have a right to know what you are doing and who you are doing it with even though you are divorced.
[7] They will insert themselves into your new relationship and ruin it.
Your toxic ex will use all measures necessary to ruin any future relationships you may have. Because few people want to be in a relationship with someone who has a crazy ex interfering in the relationship, this makes it challenging to start new romantic relationships. This is one person who won’t be able to accept you are moving on.
[8] They exhibit similar behavior to people with narcissistic personality disorder.
Numerous aspects of life, including relationships, job, school, and money matters, are hampered by a narcissistic personality disorder. When they don’t receive the particular treatment or adoration they feel they deserve, people with narcissistic personality disorder may feel generally sad and disappointed. They might not appreciate the people around them, and they might not find their interactions to be rewarding.
You Can’t Co-parent With A Toxic Ex, Do This
There are recommended guidelines you can adopt from the Michigan Parenting Time Guideline. There are certain frameworks and templates you can use to create structure and enable you to communicate clearly parenting time plans and schedules.
Unlike a vindictive spouse whose behavior is driven by your behavior and the perceived pain you cause, a toxic ex is probably driven by a mental disorder or a deep seated unresolved emotional issue with absolutely nothing to do with you. So you probably won’t be able to change your toxic ex’s behavior with a talk.
Try to do this.
Come up with a plan.
Work on a good parenting schedule and make sure you embody this parenting schedule in a parenting time order. Make sure your parenting schedule has no gray area. A gray area invites opportunities for a toxic ex to start interference to your plan or parenting schedule. You need to have a parenting time order leaving no room for interpretation. Ask your attorney for assistance on how to make this possible.
Adapt a system for communicating allowing documentation of interaction.
There are already useful technologies online allowing communication, scheduling, and sharing of information without any direct interaction with your toxic ex. Learn these technologies and use them to your advantage. These technologies allow you to document your messages and activities. These can be useful in court when you need to ask for modifications in custody and parenting time. This will allow you to set boundaries.
Anticipate what your toxic ex will do.
You know once the parenting time order is issued, your toxic ex will find a way to circumvent or break it. Take note of how your ex is circumventing the parenting time order or the custody arrangements. Do not engage your ex. This is what your ex is trying to achieve, a continuous engagement with you in any form. When you are tempted to engage, think about your children and what they will witness. You have to institute a healthy boundary in your behavior. Talk to your attorney and provide your attorney your notes so there is basis for any motion you will be filing in the future.
Take care of yourself, your physical and mental health.
Any divorced parent will tell you that it’s difficult to deal with your ex on a regular basis, and having time alone without your children is a challenging transition. Take full advantage of the time you have to yourself now. The options are endless: rekindle old interests, read a good book, or spend money on your schooling. Whatever you decide to pursue, you should put all of your attention on what makes you happy. Seek therapy if you have too. Build and lean on your own personal support group.
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Goldman & Associates Law Firm is here to with information about Child Custody and Divorce in the State of Michigan.