Why Holiday Plans Matter: Holidays are special times for children. But when parents live apart, deciding where the child spends the holidays can be hard. Having a clear plan helps stop fights and makes the holidays happy for your child. Not having a plan can be very stressful for everyone.
Why Do Holidays Cause So Many Problems for Parents?
Old Habits: Many families have habits for the holidays. You might always have Christmas Eve with one side of the family. You might always have New Year’s with the other side. When parents live apart, these old habits cannot always stay the same. This can make people sad or angry.
New Stress: Trying to make new plans is hard. Both parents want special time with the child. If parents do not talk well, small problems can turn into big fights. This stress is not good for the parents or the child. It is important to try and find a new way to share these special days.
Common Holidays People Fight Over:
- Christmas Eve and Christmas Day
- Thanksgiving Day
- Easter Sunday
Reasons Fights Start:
- Both parents want the exact same day
- One parent feels left out
- Parents cannot agree on travel plans
Real-Life Example: Maria and Tom always went to Maria’s family for Thanksgiving. After they split up, Tom wanted to take their son to his family. Maria felt hurt because this was “her” holiday. This started a big fight until they got help to make a new plan.
What Is the First Place to Look for Holiday Rules?
Your Written Plan: If you and the other parent already have a plan for the child’s schedule, check it first. This paper often has special rules just for holidays. These rules were likely made when you first split up. You should follow what the paper says.
What the Plan Says: A good plan will name the holidays. It will say which parent gets the child on which day. It might say you switch the holiday each year. For example, Mom gets Thanksgiving in odd years and Dad gets it in even years. Following this written plan stops new fights from starting.
What Your Plan Should Have:
- A list of all important holidays
- The exact start and end times for the holiday
- Rules for school breaks, like winter break
Why the Plan Helps:
- It stops last-minute fights
- It gives the child a clear routine
- It is a rule you both must follow
Real-Life Example: John wanted to take his kids for spring break. He was not sure if it was his turn. He looked at his written plan. The plan said he gets spring break in even years. Since it was an even year, he knew it was his turn.
What If We Don’t Have a Written Holiday Plan Yet?
A Brand New Situation: Sometimes, parents are just splitting up. You may not have any written rules for the holidays yet. This is a common time for problems to show up. The first holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, can be very hard to figure out.
Try to Work It Out: If you do not have a plan, the first step is to try and talk. See if you can find a way to share the time. Maybe one parent can have the morning and the other can have the evening. Or one parent gets one holiday, and the other parent gets the next one. A family law attorney can help you write down any plan you make.
First Steps to Take:
- Talk to the other parent calmly
- Make a list of the holidays you care about
- Listen to what the other parent wants
Things to Talk About:
- Where will the child sleep?
- Who will handle travel?
- How will the child talk to the other parent?
Real-Life Example: Sarah and Ben just split up. Their first holiday was the Fourth of July. They did not have a plan. They talked and agreed Ben would have the kids for the fireworks, and Sarah would have them for a cookout the next day.
What Does It Mean to Work Out the Schedule Ourselves?
Talking and Finding a Middle Ground: Working it out yourselves means you and the other parent make the choice. You do not ask a judge to decide for you. This way, you stay in control. You can make a plan that fits your family’s needs. It might be hard to talk, but it is often the best way.
Put the Child First: When you talk, the most important thing is your child. What is best for them? Making a child travel all day is not fun for them. Fighting in front of them is bad for them. Try to make a plan that gives your child a happy and calm holiday. In this video, we explain what happens when parents have disagreements about these schedules.
Ways to Talk Calmly:
- Use email or text so you can think
- Do not blame the other person
- Focus on solving the problem
Good Things About Working It Out:
- You keep control of the schedule
- You save money on lawyer fees
- You show your child you can work together
Real-Life Example: Two parents both wanted Christmas morning. They talked and found a middle ground. They agreed to switch each year. This year, Mom gets Christmas morning. Next year, Dad gets Christmas morning. They wrote it on a calendar.
What Is a “Meeting with a Helper” (Mediation)?
A Helper to Guide Your Talk: If you cannot agree, a judge might send you to a “meeting with a helper.” This person is sometimes called a mediator. This helper does not make the choice for you. Instead, they help you and the other parent talk to each other. They are trained to handle hard talks.
The Helper’s Goal: The helper will try hard to help you make your own plan. They will listen to both sides. They will help you find ideas. The court often wants you to try this first. They want parents to solve problems without a judge. It is smart to try your best in this meeting.
What the Helper Does:
- Keeps the talk calm and fair
- Helps you see the other side
- Lets you brainstorm new ideas
What to Bring to the Meeting:
- A list of the holidays you want
- Two or three different plan ideas
- An open mind to find a middle ground
Real-Life Example: Kim and Leo could not agree on spring break. The court sent them to a helper. The helper listened to both of them. The helper found out Kim wanted the first half and Leo wanted the second half. They made a plan that day.
What Happens If We Still Cannot Agree on the Holidays?
Asking the Judge for Help: If you try to talk, and you try a helper, and you still cannot agree, you have one last step. You can ask a judge to make the decision. This means you must file papers with the court. You will have to tell the judge why you cannot agree.
The Court Will Step In: When parents cannot put their child’s needs first, a judge will step in. You will have to go to court and tell your side. The other parent will tell their side. This can take time and cost money. It is often a very stressful thing to do, but sometimes it is the only way.
Signs You Need the Court:
- The other parent will not talk at all
- You have tried a helper and it failed
- The holiday is very soon and you have no plan
What the Court Needs from You:
- Papers explaining the problem
- Your idea for a good holiday plan
- Reasons why your plan is best for the child
Real-Life Example: David and Lisa could not agree on winter break. They tried a helper, but Lisa would not bend. David’s lawyer filed papers with the court. They now must wait for a judge to tell them what to do. They need to find out who determines the schedule when parents fight.
What Is It Like When a Judge Decides the Holiday Schedule?
The Judge Makes the Final Choice: When you ask the court to step in, you give up your power. You are no longer in control of the plan. The judge will listen to both of you. Then, the judge will make a choice. This choice becomes a court order. You must follow it.
One Person May “Lose”: The judge will make a decision. That decision will probably help one parent more. It will probably hurt the other parent. It is very rare that a judge finds a “beautiful” answer that makes everyone happy. You are taking a big risk by asking a judge to decide.
What the Judge Thinks About:
- What is best for the child
- What the old family habits were
- What plans each parent has
What Might Happen in Court:
- The judge picks one parent’s plan
- The judge makes a new plan you both hate
- The judge tells you to split the time
Real-Life Example: The judge heard from both parents. The judge gave Thanksgiving to Mom this year. Dad was very unhappy. The judge said Dad can have Thanksgiving next year. The judge’s choice was final, and Dad had to follow it.
Why Might We Not Like the Judge’s Decision?
No “Beautiful” Answer: People often think the judge will find a perfect, fair answer. This is almost never true. The judge does not know your family. They have a short time to make a choice. Their answer is just a simple way to fix the problem. It may not feel good to either parent.
Making Everyone Unhappy: A common thing judges do is try to “offend everybody equally.” This means they might make a plan that neither parent likes. For example, the judge might split Christmas Day right in half. This means the child has to leave one house at noon to go to the other. This rush can be stressful for the child and sad for the parents.
Reasons You Might Be Unhappy:
- The plan feels cold or not personal
- You lose a holiday that was important to you
- The travel plan is hard for you or the child
How to Act If You Lose:
- Stay calm and do not argue in court
- Follow the judge’s new order
- Talk to your lawyer about your next steps
Real-Life Example: A judge split Christmas Day. The child had to be dropped off at 1:00 PM. This made both parents unhappy. Mom lost her Christmas dinner time. Dad lost his Christmas morning time. But they both had to follow the order.
What Does It Mean to “Win the Battle” By Working It Out?
“Winning” Means Keeping Control: When you go to a judge, you lose control. When you work it out yourselves, you “win” by keeping control. You and the other parent get to make the rules. You can be creative. You can make a plan that truly works for your family. This is much better than letting a stranger decide.
Working Together Is Hard but Better: It can be very hard to talk to your ex. You may be angry or hurt. But trying to work it out, even if you do not want to, is a way to “win.” You control the story. You make the final choice. This is better in the long run for you and your child. A child parenting time lawyer can help you make this plan official.
Good Things About Keeping Control:
- The plan is made by you, not a judge
- You can be flexible if things change
- It builds a better relationship for the future
Ways to Find a Middle Ground:
- Trade holidays each year
- Split the holiday in half
- One person gets one holiday, the other gets another
Real-Life Example: Anna and Mark both wanted the full week of winter break. After talking, they agreed to split the break in half. Anna took the first half, and Mark took the second. They both “won” because they kept control and did not go to court.
What Is the Big Risk of Letting the Court Decide?
You Might Hate the Answer: The biggest risk is that the judge will make a plan you truly do not like. You may go to court thinking you will “win” everything. But you might “lose” everything. Once the judge makes an order, you are stuck with it for a long time. You cannot just change it because you are unhappy.
Losing Your Power to Choose: If you cannot work it out, you are telling the judge you cannot be trusted to make good choices. The judge will then make the choice for you. Be ready for an answer you may not like at all. It is always better to try and solve it on your own first.
Risks of Going to Court:
- You lose control over the schedule
- You may get a plan you do not like
- You will spend a lot of time and money
Things You Lose by Going to Court:
- The power to make your own plans
- The chance to be creative
- The trust between you and the other parent
Real-Life Example: A judge told a dad he could not have Christmas Day. The judge gave him the day after Christmas instead. The dad was very sad. He wished he had tried harder to make a deal with the mom before he asked the judge to step in.
How Can We Make Holiday Plans That Work for the Child?
Think About Your Child First: The most important rule is to put your child’s needs first. Do not think about “winning” against the other parent. Think about what will make the holiday happy and calm for your child. Ask yourself: What is best for a child’s schedule?
Keep Things Calm and Simple: Children feel stress when parents fight. They also feel stress if they are rushed. Try not to make your child travel to three different houses in one day. Let them wake up in one place on Christmas morning. Let them enjoy their time without feeling rushed or sad.
What Kids Need During Holidays:
- To feel safe and loved
- To know what the plan is
- To not feel like they are in the middle
Bad Ideas for Holiday Plans:
- Making the child travel all day long
- Splitting every holiday in half
- Talking badly about the other parent
Real-Life Example: Parents decided to stop splitting Christmas Day. They saw it made their daughter sad to leave in the middle of opening gifts. They made a new plan to switch the whole day each year. Their daughter was much happier.
Where Can We Get Help Making a Fair Holiday Plan?
Talk to a Family Lawyer: You do not have to do this alone. A good lawyer can give you ideas. They know what judges look for. They can help you make a plan that is fair. They can also help you talk to the other parent’s lawyer to make a deal. This is a smart step to take.
Help With Court Papers: If you must go to court, a lawyer is very important. They will help you file the right papers. They will speak for you in front of the judge. Trying to go to court alone is very hard. Getting help from someone who knows the rules is the best way. Many Michigan divorce attorneys can help with this.
How a Lawyer Helps:
- They explain your rights
- They help you make a strong, clear plan
- They talk for you in court
What to Ask a Lawyer:
- What is a common holiday plan?
- What are my chances in court?
- Can you help me talk to the other parent?
Real-Life Example: A dad was new to all of this. He called a lawyer for help. The lawyer helped him write a holiday plan. The lawyer sent the plan to the mom. They both agreed to the plan without ever going to court. The dad was happy he got help.
Extra Insights on Holiday Schedules
Keep Good Records: If you and the other parent agree to change the plan, get it in writing. A simple text or email that shows you both agree is very helpful. This stops fights later if someone forgets what they said. Clear words prevent problems.
Be Willing to Bend: Holidays change. Sometimes you have to be willing to bend the rules. If the other parent has a special family event, maybe you can trade. Being willing to trade can make the other parent more willing to trade with you next time. It shows you care about the child’s whole family.
Get Help Today: Trying to fix holiday schedules is stressful. You do not have to do it alone. If you have questions about your parenting time or need to make a plan, we are here to help. Please Call/Text (248) 590-6600 for a free talk about your case. You can also visit our free consultation scheduling link to make an appointment. Visit ChooseGoldman.com for more information.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is the most common holiday schedule?
A common plan is to switch major holidays each year. For example, one parent gets Thanksgiving and the other gets Christmas, and then they swap the next year.
2. What if we agree to change the plan for just one holiday?
That is fine. Just make sure you both agree to the change in writing, like in an email or a text message, to avoid problems later.
3. Does a holiday plan include school breaks?
Yes, a good plan should cover all school breaks. This includes winter break, spring break, and summer break.
4. What if the other parent is always late for the holiday drop-off?
Write down every time they are late. If it keeps happening, you may need to talk to a lawyer or ask the court for help.
5. Can I take my child out of state for a holiday?
You must check your written plan first. Many plans have rules about traveling far away and may require you to tell the other parent first.
6. What if a holiday falls on my normal parenting time?
The holiday plan usually beats the normal schedule. If it is the other parent’s holiday, they get the child even if it is your normal weekend.
7. What if we are not married and do not have a written plan?
If you do not have a court order, you need to get one. Until then, you must try to agree on a plan yourselves.
8. What if my child does not want to go to the other parent’s house?
You must follow the court’s order. You should encourage your child to go and not make them feel like they are in the middle.
9. Can my new spouse be at the holiday exchange?
Yes, your new spouse can usually be there. But try to keep the exchange calm and quick to avoid stress for the child.
10. What about smaller holidays like Halloween or the Fourth of July?
A good plan will include these days too. You can choose to switch them each year or set a special time for them.
11. What happens if I do not follow the holiday order?
If you do not follow the order, the other parent can take you to court. You could get in serious trouble with the judge.
12. Is it better to split the holiday or switch years?
Most families find switching years is easier. Splitting the day can be very rushed and stressful for the child.