A Common Parent Question: It is a very hard thing when your child says they do not want to see their other parent. You want to make your child happy. You want to keep them safe. But parenting plans are court orders. You need to know what the law says about this. This guide will help you learn what judges look at. It will help you learn what is best for your child.
Can a Child’s Wish Change the Parenting Plan?
What the Child Wants: Many parents ask this. Your child says, “I don’t want to go to mom’s house.” Or they say, “I want to stay with dad all the time.” You might think this is enough to ask a judge to change the plan. It feels like the child’s feelings should be the most important thing.
It’s Not That Simple: A child’s wish is one small piece. The judge must look at many other things. What a child wants is noted. But it is not the only thing that matters. The judge’s job is to find the best plan for the child’s whole life. This is not just about what the child wants right now.
Things a Judge Thinks About:
- How old the child is.
- How smart and grown-up the child seems.
- The child’s health and school needs.
Other Important Things:
- The love the child has with both parents.
- How well each parent can care for the child.
- If the child is safe and healthy in each home.
An Example: Lisa’s 10-year-old son said he wanted to live with her all the time. He did not want to see his dad. The judge talked to the boy. The judge found out the boy just wanted to play games at Lisa’s house. His dad made him do homework every night.
Does the Judge Have to Listen to My Child?
The Judge’s Role: Yes, a judge will often listen to what a child wants. This is called the child’s “wish.” The judge wants to hear the child’s thoughts. This helps the judge understand the child’s life. But the judge does not have to do what the child asks.
Why a Judge Might Say No: The judge’s main job is to keep the child safe. Sometimes a child does not know what is best for them. This is a hard part of Michigan law for families. The judge must make the best choice. This is true even if the child does not like it at first.
Ways a Judge Hears a Child:
- Talking to the child in the judge’s office.
- Having a person from the court talk to the child.
- Reading a report from a helper who studies the family.
Things That Make a Wish Stronger:
- The child is older, like a teen.
- The child gives very good, clear reasons.
- The reasons are about safety or school, not just fun.
An Example: A 14-year-old girl told the judge she wanted to live with her mom. Her reason was that her mom lived in a better school area. The judge saw this was a smart reason. The judge looked at it very closely.
How Old Must a Child Be to Say Where They Want to Live?
No Magic Age: Michigan law does not have one set age. There is no rule that says a 12-year-old or 16-year-old gets to pick. A 16-year-old’s wish will mean more than a 6-year-old’s wish. The judge looks at how “grown-up” the child is. This means how well the child understands the world and makes choices.
Age and Understanding: A young child might just want the parent who gives them more candy. An older teen might have real reasons. They may want to be near a school program. The judge knows this. When a child can have a say often depends on their ability to explain their choice clearly.
What Judges Look For:
- Can the child give a real, thoughtful reason?
- Is the child just repeating what one parent said?
- Does the child understand what a big change this is?
What Does Not Count:
- “Dad lets me stay up late.”
- “Mom has a bigger TV in my room.”
- “I don’t like dad’s new wife.” (Unless she is mean or unsafe.)
An Example: A 7-year-old boy said he wanted to live with his dad. His only reason was that dad’s house had a pool. The judge did not change the plan based on this. The judge knew a pool was not a good reason to change a child’s whole life.
What if My Child Likes the “Fun” Parent More?
The “Disneyland” Parent: This is very common. One parent has all the rules, like bedtimes and homework. This parent is like the “strict” parent. The other parent is all fun, like a trip to “Disneyland.” The home with no rules seems better to a child.
How Judges See This: Judges are very smart about this. They have seen this problem many times. They know that kids need rules, sleep, and order to grow up well. They know a “fun” home is not always the best home. The judge will try to find out the *real* reason the child does not want to go to the other parent.
Signs of a “Fun” Parent:
- No set bedtime on school nights.
- Letting the child skip homework to play games.
- Buying the child lots of costly gifts all the time.
Signs of a “Strict” Parent:
- Making sure chores are done.
- Checking homework every night.
- Having clear rules about screen time and manners.
An Example: Two kids, 9 and 11, said they hated going to their mom’s house. Mom made them read books. She made them go to bed at 9 PM. Dad let them play games until midnight. He let them eat junk food. The judge told the dad he also needed to have rules. The judge did not change the plan.
What is the “Best Interest of the Child?”
The Most Important Rule: This is the main rule for all Michigan child living plan cases. The judge cannot just do what the parents want. The judge cannot just do what the child wants. The judge must pick the path that is best for the child’s health, safety, and happiness. This is the law.
It’s Not Just One Thing: The judge looks at 12 things to decide this. These things cover everything about the child’s life. A child’s wish is only one of those 12 things. The judge looks at all 12 things to make a final choice. This is the hardest part of their job.
A Few “Best Interest” Things:
- The love and bond between each parent and child.
- The parent’s ability to give food, clothes, and care.
- The child’s school and home life record.
More Key Things:
- The health of everyone (body and mind).
- How willing each parent is to help the child see the *other* parent.
- Any history of an unsafe home or family fighting.
An Example: A child wanted to live with his dad. His dad was rich and had a big house. But the dad worked 18 hours a day. The dad was never home. The judge found it was in the child’s best interest to stay with his mom. The mom had less money but was always there for him.
What Counts as a “Big Change” to Change the Plan?
The First Step: A judge will not even think about changing a plan at first. You must first show a “big change” has happened. This means something big and important in the child’s life has changed. You cannot just go to court because you are still mad about the first plan. The old plan is set until a big change happens.
What is a “Big Change?”: A big change is not small. It has to be something that affects the child’s well-being. A child just saying “I changed my mind” is often not enough. You must show a real, solid reason. You must show why the old plan does not work anymore. This is the first thing you must prove.
Examples of a Big Change:
- One parent has to move far away for a job.
- A parent becomes very sick and cannot care for the child.
- The child’s needs change a lot, like for a new school.
Examples of What is NOT a Big Change:
- The child has a new friend at one parent’s house.
- One parent bought a new car or a bigger TV.
- The child is one year older and just feels different.
An Example: When the parenting plan was made, both parents lived in the same town. Two years later, the dad took a job three hours away. This big move was a “big change.” It meant the judge had to look at the plan again. The old weekend plan could not work anymore.
What if My Child is Scared of the Other Parent?
Fear vs. Not Liking: This is a very important difference. A child “not wanting” to go is one thing. A child being “scared” to go is much more serious. The judge will want to know *why* the child is scared. Is it a real fear for their safety? Or is it fear of getting in trouble for not doing homework?
Real Fear is Serious: If the child is scared because of real things, the court will act fast. This could be from seeing a parent use drugs. It could be from seeing people get hurt or a lot of scary yelling. These are not small things. They can be a good reason to change the child’s living plan.
Signs of Real Fear:
- The child cries, hides, or feels sick before a visit.
- The child says they are afraid of being hurt.
- The child talks about seeing scary fights or drug use.
Signs It Might Be Something Else:
- The child is just sad to leave the parent they are with.
- The child gripes about “boring” rules at the other house.
- The child says the other parent “is mean” for giving a time-out.
An Example: A girl started having bad dreams. She began wetting the bed before visits with her dad. She told a school helper that her dad’s new boyfriend yells and throws things. The judge stopped the visits right away to look into this.
Is a Child’s Wish Enough to Change the Plan?
Almost Never: By itself, a child’s wish is almost never enough. A judge will not change a whole parenting plan just because a child asks. The wish must come with other big reasons. A child’s mind changes often. A court order is meant to be steady. It should not change all the time.
Wish Plus Other Things: A child’s wish becomes strong when it is added to other big changes. For example, a teen wants to change schools for a special program. Or a child is scared *and* can explain a real, unsafe thing that happened. The child’s say in a case grows when it matches other facts. The wish helps support the other proof.
What Makes a Wish Strong:
- The child is older (like 15 or 16).
- The child’s reason is very smart and about their own good.
- The wish lines up with a “big change” that happened.
What Makes a Wish Weak:
- The child is very young (like 5 or 6).
- The reason is just about “fun,” “toys,” or “no rules.”
- It seems like one parent told the child what to say.
An Example: A 15-year-old boy wanted to live with his dad. He was failing school at his mom’s house. His dad lived in a top school area. His dad had a plan to help him get his grades up. The judge agreed to this change. It was more than just the boy’s wish. It was in his best interest for school.
What if a Child Just Wakes Up and Changes Their Mind?
Kids Change Their Minds: Kids can be fickle. One day, blue is their favorite color. The next day, it is red. One day, they love their dad’s house. The next week, they only want to be at mom’s. Courts know this. They know that a child’s feelings are not always based on facts.
Not a “Big Change”: A child just changing their mind is not a “big change.” A judge will not even look at the case for this reason. A parenting plan gives the child a steady life. Changing it all the time because a child’s feelings changed is not steady. It can be very confusing for the child.
Why This Isn’t Enough:
- It does not show the old plan is bad.
- It does not show a real problem has come up.
- It can make life very unsteady for the child.
What to Do Instead:
- Talk to your child about *why* they feel this way.
- See if it is a small, easy-to-fix problem.
- Remind the child that both parents love them.
An Example: For six months, an 8-year-old loved going to his dad’s. One day, he woke up and said, “I don’t want to go anymore.” His mom found out why. It was just because his best friend was not at dad’s house that weekend. This was not a reason to go to court.
What Serious Problems Can Change the Living Plan?
When Safety is at Risk: A judge will act very fast if a child is not safe. This is the best reason to ask for a change. If a child does not want to go to a parent’s house *because* of these things, a judge will listen very hard. Safety always comes first.
Big, Serious Issues: We are not talking about simple rule-breaking. We are talking about things that can hurt a child’s body or mind. These are true “big changes.” They show the old plan is now wrong. These are things that show it is not in the child’s best interest to be in that home.
Things a Judge Takes Very Seriously:
- A parent is using illegal drugs.
- A parent is drunk all the time.
- There is family fighting where people get hurt.
Other Very Bad Things:
- A parent leaves a young child all alone.
- Someone in the house is hurting the child.
- The home is very, very dirty and unsafe.
An Example: A child told her mom she did not want to see her dad. She said dad “sleeps all the time” after taking pills. The mom learned he had a bad drug problem. This was a very serious reason. The judge changed the plan to keep the child safe.
Is This Like a Child Refusing School?
Parents Must Be Parents: A judge knows that kids do not always know what is best. A child might say, “I don’t want to go to school.” A parent would never say, “Okay, you can just stay home.” School is important for the child’s future. The parent knows this. The parent makes the child go.
Health is Also Key: It is the same thing if a child is sick. The child might say, “I don’t want to take my medicine.” The medicine tastes bad. But the parent knows the child needs it to get better. The parent will make sure the child takes the medicine. Being a parent means making hard choices for your child’s good.
How This Links to Visits:
- A judge sees parenting time the same way.
- Having a bond with *both* parents is important.
- It is seen as healthy, like school or medicine.
What the Court Believes:
- Kids need both parents in their lives (if both are safe).
- One parent should not be able to stop this bond.
- The “strict” parent gives lessons just as important as the “fun” parent.
An Example: A 12-year-old boy said he “hated” going to his mom’s. He said it was boring. The judge told the father it was his job to make sure the boy went. It was just like his job to make him go to school. The judge said both parents are important.
What Should I Do if My Child Refuses to Go?
Do Not Break the Order: The first rule is that you must follow the court order. You cannot just decide to keep the child home. This can get you in very big trouble with the judge. You could even lose parenting time yourself. The order is the law until a judge changes it.
Talk to Your Child: Try to find out the real reason. Ask calm questions. Do not put words in their mouth. Is it a small problem, like they miss their video game? Or is it a big, scary problem, like they are afraid of someone? Knowing the *why* is the most important step.
Steps to Take:
- Talk to the other parent about what the child said.
- Try to work together to make the child feel better.
- Write down what your child says and when they say it.
When to Call a Lawyer:
- If your child tells you about anything unsafe.
- If the other parent will not talk to you about it.
- If this keeps happening over and over again.
An Example: A girl refused to go to her dad’s. Her mom talked to her. She found out the girl was sad because her dad was always on his phone. The mom talked to the dad. He agreed to put his phone away during visits. The problem stopped.
Extra Insight: A Parent’s Job: Parents and courts must still act in the child’s best interest. If a child said, “I don’t want to go to school,” a parent would not agree. If a child said, “I don’t want to take my medicine,” a parent would still make them. The same idea applies here. Sometimes, kids do not know what is best for them. The adults must guide them.
Extra Insight: Getting Legal Help: Knowing if your case is strong enough is hard. You must prove to the court that a big change has happened. Whether a child’s wish counts as a “big change” depends on their age and the facts. Talking to a lawyer who knows about child living plans can help. A lawyer can help you know your options before you go to court.
We Are Here to Help: If your child does not want to see their other parent, it is a painful spot to be in. You may not know what to do. If you have questions about your case, please reach out. Our team at Goldman and Associates is here to help you. Call or text us at (248) 590-6600 for help. You can also visit ChooseGoldman.com to set up a free meeting to talk about your case.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Can I stop sending my child if they refuse to go?
No, you must follow the court order. If you stop, you could get in big trouble with the judge.
2. What is the “Friend of the Court”?
This is an office that helps the judge with cases about children. They may talk to your child or look into problems.
3. Will my child have to talk in front of the judge in a courtroom?
Almost never. If a judge talks to a child, it is done in private in the judge’s office. No parents are there.
4. What if my ex-partner is telling my child what to say?
This is a very serious problem. You should tell your lawyer right away if you think this is happening.
5. My child is 16. Can they just choose where to live?
No, they cannot just choose. But a 16-year-old’s wish is very strong. A judge will listen to it very closely.
6. What is “joint legal care”?
This means both parents make big choices for the child together. This includes choices about school and health.
7. What is “sole physical care”?
This means the child lives with one parent most of the time. The other parent usually still has parenting time.
8. How do I prove my child is in an unsafe home?
You can use police reports, photos, or text messages. You can also have people who saw the problem talk to the court.
9. My child just wants to be with me. Is that enough?
No, just “wanting” to be with you is not enough. There must be a real, strong reason why the old plan is no longer good for them.
10. The other parent has a messy house. Can I change the plan?
A little messy is not enough. The house must be so dirty that it is unsafe or unhealthy for the child to be there.
11. What if my child does not like the other parent’s new partner?
This is usually not a reason to change the plan. It is only a reason if the new partner is mean, unsafe, or harmful to the child.
12. How long does it take to change a parenting plan?
It can take many months. If the child is in danger, a judge can make a fast, short-term change much sooner.