Why This Question Matters: When parents split up, many wonder if their kids can pick who they live with. It is a hard time for everyone. Knowing the rules can help families. This guide will explain how Michigan courts look at a child’s wishes.
Do Kids Get to Pick Who They Live With?
The Short Answer: No, young kids do not get to decide where they live. Parents make choices for them, like what medicine they take or what school they go to. The court believes young children cannot make such a big choice on their own.
Older Children’s Voices: As children get older, a judge might listen to what they want. But even then, the child does not get the final say. Their wish is just one piece of information the judge will think about. The judge makes the final choice based on many factors.
Who Makes the Big Decisions:
- The Judge: The judge has the final power to decide parenting time and legal care.
- The Parents: Parents can agree on a plan. The judge usually approves it if it is good for the child.
- The Law: Michigan law guides the judge on how to make a fair choice for the child.
What the Court Protects:
- Child’s Safety: The child must be safe in their home. This is the top goal.
- Child’s Needs: The child must get food, schooling, and proper care.
- Child’s Bond: The court wants the child to have a good bond with both parents, if it is safe.
Example: A seven-year-old says he wants to live with his dad because dad has a new video game. A judge will not use this wish to make the choice. The child is too young to know what is best for this big decision.
What Age Does a Judge Listen to a Child?
The General Rule: In Michigan, judges will often listen to a child who is 12 years old or older. This is not a magic number, but it is a common age. The judge feels a child this age can often share their thoughts clearly.
Being Grown-Up Matters More: The judge looks at how grown-up the child is. A very grown-up 11-year-old might be heard. A 13-year-old who cannot explain their reasons may not be listened to as much. It is not just about the age, but about how well the child can explain their feelings.
How the Court Hears the Child:
- In the Judge’s Office: A judge might talk to the child in private, not in the open court. This is called “in chambers.”
- Through a Lawyer: Sometimes, a special lawyer is picked just for the child to tell the judge.
- Through a Report: A family expert might talk to the child and write a report for the judge to read.
What the Judge Wants to Know:
- The Child’s Reasons: Why does the child want to live with one parent over the other?
- If They Were Coached: The judge tries to see if one parent told the child what to say.
- The Child’s True Feelings: The judge wants to find the child’s honest, real wish.
Example: A 13-year-old girl tells the judge she wants to live with her mom. She explains that she feels she can talk to her mom more about her problems as a teen girl. The judge will listen to this and think about it very hard.
Is the Child’s Choice the Only Thing That Matters?
Just One Factor: No, the child’s wish is not the only factor. It is just one of twelve factors the court must look at. These are called the “best interests of the child” factors. The law says the judge must review all twelve.
A Balancing Act: The judge must balance the child’s wish against all the other factors. Sometimes, other factors are more important. The child’s wish does not automatically win. Michigan child custody laws list all the factors the judge must review.
What Else Is Looked At:
- Love and Affection: The bond and emotional ties between the child and each parent.
- Ability to Care: Who can give the child food, clothes, and medical care.
- A Stable Home: The need for the child to have a steady, safe home life.
Other Key Factors:
- Parent’s Health: The mental and physical health of the parents.
- School Records: The child’s life at school and in their town.
- Willingness to Share: If each parent will let the child see the other parent.
Example: A 14-year-old boy wants to live with his dad. But, the judge sees that the dad works nights and the boy would be alone. The mom has a steady job and is home every night. The judge might decide the mom’s home is better, even though the boy said he wanted to live with his dad.
What Does the Court Care About Most?
The “Best Interests”: The court cares most about what is best for the child. This is the main rule for all choices. The judge’s job is to make a choice that helps the child grow up safe, happy, and healthy.
Safety and a Steady Home: The court puts safety first. A child must be in a safe home. The court also likes to keep the child’s life as steady as possible. This means trying to keep them in the same school and home, if it is a good home. This is a big part of whether children have a say in the case.
What “Best” Means:
- Good Parenting: Which parent can teach the child right from wrong and give good guidance.
- Meeting Needs: Which parent will make sure the child gets to the doctor and does homework.
- A Good Home: Which parent has a safe and clean place for the child to live.
What “Best” Does Not Mean:
- Which Parent Is Richer: The court does not just pick the parent with more money.
- What the Parent Wants: The case is not about what the mom or dad wants; it is about the child.
- Punishing a Parent: The court does not use this to punish one parent for the split-up.
Example: A child loves both parents. One parent moves into a new flat every six months. The other parent has lived in the same house for five years near the child’s school. The judge will likely favor the parent who offers a more steady home.
What if a Child Picks the “Fun” Parent?
Rules vs. No Rules: Sometimes, one parent is very strict. They have rules for bedtime, homework, and meals. The other parent might be very carefree. They have no rules and let the child do what they want. A teen might say they want to live with the “fun” parent.
The Judge Knows Better: The judge knows that what a child *wants* is not always what a child *needs*. A home with no rules might sound fun to a 15-year-old. But the judge may decide that the child needs rules to do well in school and stay safe. A judge’s job is to be the adult in the room.
Why Kids Might Choose Fun:
- Fewer Chores: The child may not want to do homework or clean their room.
- More Freedom: They may want to stay out late or play video games all night.
- Less Conflict: It is easier to live with a parent who never says no or argues.
Why the Court Prefers Structure:
- Good for School: Rules help kids get homework done and get enough sleep.
- Teaches Duty: Having rules teaches kids how to be good adults.
- Keeps Kids Safe: Rules about bedtime and friends can keep a teen out of trouble.
Example: A 16-year-old wants to live with his dad, who lets him skip school and stay out all night. His mom makes him be home by 10 PM and checks his homework. The judge will almost certainly decide the mom’s home is better for him, even though he picked his dad.
What if One Parent Tries to “Buy” the Child’s Choice?
Gifts and Bribes: Sometimes, a child’s choice is based on gifts. One parent might promise to buy the child a car at age 16. Or they might buy them a new phone or a new game system. The child then says they want to live with that parent.
Courts See Through This: Judges know this happens. They know that a child’s love cannot be bought. The court will not let one parent bribe the child to win. If a judge thinks this is happening, they may give that parent’s wish *less* weight. This is a key topic in the video on a child’s wish.
Signs of a “Bribe”:
- Big, New Promises: A parent suddenly promises a car, a big trip, or lots of money.
- No Rules: The parent offers to let the child do anything they want as a “gift.”
- Bad-Mouthing: The parent tells the child bad things about the other parent to win them over.
Why This Backfires:
- Shows Bad Judgment: It tells the judge the parent is not thinking about the child’s real needs.
- It’s Not Real Love: The judge wants to see a real, loving bond, not one based on money.
- It Harms the Child: It puts the child in the middle and teaches them the wrong things.
Example: A mom promises her 15-year-old daughter a new car if she tells the judge she wants to live with her. The dad offers only his love and his home. The judge finds out about the car promise and is very unhappy. This badly hurts the mom’s case.
How Does a Judge Find Out What a Child Wants?
Talking in Private: A judge will not make a child speak in a big, open courtroom. That is too scary. Instead, the judge might talk to the child in their office. This is called “in chambers.” It is a private, quiet talk.
Who Is in the Room: Usually, it is just the judge and the child. Sometimes a court reporter is there to write down what is said. Most of the time, the parents and their lawyers are not allowed in the room. This helps the child feel safe to speak freely.
Ways the Judge Listens:
- A Direct Talk: The judge asks the child simple questions about their life and feelings.
- A Child’s Lawyer: The court can give the child their own lawyer to speak for them.
- A Family Expert: The judge might ask an expert to talk to the whole family and write a report.
What the Judge Asks:
- About School: “How is school? Who helps you with homework?”
- About Home: “What do you like to do at mom’s house? What about at dad’s house?”
- About Their Wish: “If you could choose, where would you want to live? Why do you feel that way?”
Example: The judge invites 12-year-old Sarah into her office. The judge asks Sarah about her new puppy and her friends. Then, she gently asks Sarah what it’s like at each parent’s house. This calm talk helps the judge learn what Sarah really feels.
Are a Child’s Reasons for Their Choice Important?
Yes, Reasons Matter Most: The “why” is more important than the “who.” The judge wants to know the reasons *behind* the child’s choice. Are the reasons deep and thoughtful? Or are they shallow, like “Dad’s house has a pool”?
Good vs. Shallow Reasons: A shallow reason will not count for much. But a good, strong reason will be taken very seriously. The judge tries to understand the child’s real-life needs. This is why when a child can have a say depends on their reasons.
Examples of Good Reasons:
- A Better Bond: “I am a teen girl, and I feel I can talk to my mom more about my problems.”
- Feeling Closer: “My dad and I both love sports, and he coaches my team. I feel more connected to him.”
- Keeping Life Steady: “I want to stay with my mom because her house is close to my school and all my friends.”
Examples of Shallow Reasons:
- Fewer Rules: “Dad lets me stay up as late as I want and I don’t have chores.”
- More Stuff: “Mom bought me a new computer and says she will buy me a phone.”
- A New Partner: “I don’t like my mom’s new boyfriend.” (This is often not a good enough reason).
Example: A 14-year-old boy tells the judge he wants to live with his father. His reason is that his father lives in his old neighborhood. All his friends are there, and he wants to stay on his old baseball team. The judge sees this as a good reason and will give it a lot of weight.
How Much Does the Child’s Wish Really Count?
It’s Just One Piece: It is very important to remember this: the child’s wish is just one of twelve factors. The judge must look at all twelve. A child’s wish will never be the *only* reason for a choice.
It Can Be Beaten: A child’s wish can be beaten by other factors. If a child wants to live with a parent who is not safe, the judge will say no. Being safe and healthy will always win over the child’s wish. Family lawyers help explain these factors to parents.
What Gives a Wish More Weight:
- Older Age: A 16-year-old’s wish counts more than a 10-year-old’s.
- Good Reasons: As we just learned, a good “why” makes the wish stronger.
- No Coaching: The wish counts more if the judge feels it is the child’s true, uncoached feeling.
What Gives a Wish Less Weight:
- Young Age: A young child’s wish is not given much weight at all.
- Shallow Reasons: Choosing based on gifts or no rules.
- Being Coached: If the judge thinks one parent told the child what to say.
Example: A 13-year-old and a 15-year-old both want to live with their dad. But the court finds that the dad has a drinking problem. Even though two older kids said what they want, the judge will not place them in a home that is not safe. The safety factor beats the wish factor.
What Are the Other Factors the Judge Looks At?
The Twelve Factors: Michigan law lists 12 factors for the “best interests of the child.” The judge must review each one. The child’s wish is just one of them (Factor F). These factors help the judge get a full picture of the child’s life.
A Look at Some Factors: The factors include the love between parent and child, the parent’s ability to give care, and the child’s need for a steady home. They also look at the health of the parents and the child’s school and town life. Child custody lawyers work with these factors every day.
Three Key Factors:
- (a) Love and Bonding: The love and emotional ties between the child and each parent.
- (b) Guidance: Each parent’s ability to give the child love, care, and teaching.
- (c) Ability to Provide: The ability of each parent to give the child food, clothing, and medical care.
Three More Key Factors:
- (d) Stability: How long the child has lived in a good, steady home.
- (e) Family Unit: The goodness of the family. Keeping siblings together is often a goal.
- (g) Mental and Physical Health: The health of the parents. A parent with a serious, untreated problem may be a risk.
Example: A child has a great bond with both parents (Factor A). But, Mom has a clean, steady home near the school (Factor D). Dad has moved three times in one year. The judge might give Mom the main care of the child because of the stability factor.
Extra Insights on Your Child’s Case
A Word on Coaching: Parents should never tell a child what to say to the judge. Do not pressure your child or promise them gifts for their choice. Judges are trained to spot this. If a judge thinks you coached your child, it will badly hurt your case. It also puts your child in a very stressful, unfair spot.
When to Change a Plan: If a plan is already in place, it is hard to change it. A parent must show a big change in life has happened. An older child’s new wish can be part of this “big change.” If you need to change a child custody order, it is best to talk to a lawyer.
Get Help With Your Case: Understanding all twelve factors is hard. Knowing if your child’s wish will count is confusing. You do not have to do this alone. The team at Goldman and Associates is here to help. We focus on family law in Michigan and can answer your questions.
Call or text us at (248) 590-6600 for help. You can also visit ChooseGoldman.com to learn more. Or, click here to set up a free consultation to talk about your case today.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. At what age does a child’s wish matter in Michigan?
A judge will usually listen to a child who is 12 or older. But, how grown-up the child is and if they can explain their reasons is often more important.
2. Does a 16-year-old get to decide who they live with?
No, even a 16-year-old does not get the final say. Their wish is given a lot of weight, but it is still only one of the twelve best interest factors.
3. What if my child is afraid to speak to the judge?
The judge will talk to the child in a private, non-scary way, like in their office. You can also ask for a special lawyer to be given to your child to speak for them.
4. Can my ex-partner tell my child what to say?
Your ex should not do this, as it is called coaching. If you think this is happening, tell your lawyer so the judge can be made aware.
5. What is the most important factor in a child’s case?
There is no single “most important” factor, as the judge must look at all twelve. However, the child’s safety and getting their needs met are always at the top of the list.
6. What if my child wants to live with me because I have a bigger house?
A judge will see this as a shallow reason. This wish will not be given much weight at all.
7. What if my child just wants to stay in their same school?
This is a very good and strong reason. The court likes to keep a child’s life steady, so this wish will be looked at very closely.
8. Do siblings get to stay together?
The court works very hard to keep siblings together. This is one of the twelve factors, under the “family unit” part.
9. Can a child’s wish change an order that is already set?
It can be one part of a “big change” needed to ask the court for a new plan. A judge will listen if an older teen has a strong, new wish.
10. Does a child’s wish count in a 50/50 plan?
It can. A teen might say they want a 50/50 plan to see both parents equally, which a judge may like. Or, a teen might say a 50/50 plan is too hard, which a judge will also think about.
11. What if my child has special needs?
The court will look at which parent is better able to care for those special needs. This is often more important than the child’s wish.
12. Does a father have the same chance as a mother?
Yes, the law in Michigan is neutral. It does not favor the mom or the dad based on who they are.