A Tough Spot for Parents: It is very hard when your child says they do not want to see your ex. You feel stuck in the middle. This guide helps you know what to do. It explains the rules and what is best for your child.
What If My Child Says “No” to Seeing My Ex?
A Common Problem: Many parents face this. Your child, maybe 11 or 12 years old, says they will not go. They refuse to see their mom or dad.
What Do You Do?: This puts you in a hard place. You have a court paper that says they must go. But your child is crying or hiding. This is a common problem for family law attorneys in Michigan.
Reasons kids might say no:
- They feel sad or angry about the split.
- They like the rules at your house better.
- They miss you when they are gone.
First steps to take:
- Stay calm and listen to your child.
- Do not get angry at your child.
- Gently tell them the visit must happen.
Real-Life Example: Sarah’s son, Leo, is 13. He told her he did not want to go to his dad’s house on Friday. He said it was boring. Sarah had to figure out what the court rules said she must do.
Who Decides If My Child Goes?
Not the Child’s Choice: Kids do not get the final say on this. A child cannot decide to skip their time with the other parent. It is not their choice to make.
The Parent’s Job: The parent who has the child must make sure the visit happens. You are the parent. You must follow the court’s plan for parenting time.
Things kids don’t choose:
- They do not choose to go to school.
- They do not choose to go to the doctor.
- They do not choose to eat healthy food.
Who is in charge:
- The parents are in charge of big choices.
- The judge is in charge of the court plan.
- The child is not in charge of the schedule.
Real-Life Example: Mark’s son said he wanted to stay home and play video games. Mark told him that seeing his mom was not a choice. It was a rule they had to follow, just like homework.
Is Seeing the Other Parent Like School or the Doctor?
Yes, It Is a Must-Do: Think of it this way. If your child needs to see the dentist, you take them. They might cry or say no, but you go anyway.
The Same Rule Applies: Time with the other parent is just as important. It is part of their health and growth. The court says it must happen for the child’s good.
Why it’s like a doctor visit:
- It is needed for the child’s well-being.
- A grown-up (a judge) decided it was needed.
- The child’s wish does not change the need.
What parents must do:
- You must take them to the dentist.
- You must take them to school.
- You must take them to see the other parent.
Real-Life Example: When 10-year-old Mia refused to go to her dad’s, her mom reminded her. She said, “I know you don’t want to go, just like you don’t want a flu shot. But both are things we must do.”
What Should I Tell My Child When They Refuse?
Be Clear and Firm: Tell your child they must visit the other parent. Explain that this is the rule unless a judge changes it. Use a calm but firm voice.
Make It Positive: It is your job to make the visit seem positive. Do not say bad things about the other parent. Help your child pack their bag and talk about a fun thing they might do.
What to say:
- “I know this is hard, but you must go.”
- “This is the plan from the judge.”
- “Let’s get your bag packed so you are ready.”
What *not* to say:
- “I guess you can stay if you really want to.”
- “I know, your dad/mom is so mean.”
- “You can decide when you are older.”
Real-Life Example: David’s son was crying. David said, “I hear you are upset. But the rule is you go to mom’s house. I will see you on Sunday.”
What If There Is a Good Reason My Child Won’t Go?
Serious Issues Are Different: There is a big difference between “it’s boring” and “I am not safe.” If there are serious problems, you must act. This could be about drugs or alcohol or harm.
You Cannot Decide Alone: Even if the reason is serious, you cannot just stop the visits. You must ask the court to change the plan. A judge must hear the reason and make a new ruling. You can learn more in this video about kids refusing visits.
Serious reasons to worry:
- The child seems very scared for their safety.
- You know the other parent is using drugs.
- You know the other parent is drinking too much.
What to do in serious cases:
- Call a lawyer right away.
- Ask the lawyer to file papers with the court.
- Let the judge decide what to do to keep the child safe.
Real-Life Example: Lisa’s daughter said she was scared to go to her dad’s. She said he left her alone all night. Lisa called her lawyer to file a paper with the court right away to stop the visits until a judge heard this.
Will a Judge Listen to What My Child Wants?
Age Matters: A judge might listen to what an older child wants. If a child is 12, 13, or older, the judge may ask them. The judge wants to know why they feel that way.
It Is Not the Final Word: But what the child wants is not the only thing. The judge will listen, but it does not mean the child gets to choose. It is just one part of the choice, as shown in this video about a child’s wish to change the plan.
What the judge hears:
- The child’s age.
- How mature the child is.
- The reasons the child gives for their wish.
What matters more:
- What is safest for the child.
- What is best for the child’s life.
- The child’s need to know both parents.
Real-Life Example: A 14-year-old boy told a judge he wanted to live with his dad. He said his dad’s house was closer to his school friends. The judge listened to this as one part of the big decision.
What Is the “Best Interest” of the Child?
The Most Important Rule: The judge’s main focus is the “best interest” of the child. This means what is best for the child’s health, safety, and happiness. It is the number one rule in all Michigan child custody cases.
Not About the Parents: The choice is not about what the mom wants or what the dad wants. It is not even about what the child wants. It is about what is truly best for the child in the long run.
Things that show “best interest”:
- Which parent can give the child a safe home.
- Which parent can give the child food and clothes.
- The love and bond the child has with each parent.
Things that are *not* “best interest”:
- Which parent has more money.
- Which parent the child likes more that day.
- Which parent is mad at the other parent.
Real-Life Example: A child wanted to live with her mom who let her skip school. The judge said it was in her “best interest” to live with her dad. This was because her dad made sure she went to school every day.
Is It Bad to Let My Child Choose?
Yes, It Is Harmful: Do not tell your child, “You can stay with me if you want.” This gives the child a choice that is not theirs to make. It puts them in the middle of the parents’ fight.
This Can Backfire: Forcing a child to choose sides often hurts them. It makes them feel guilty. It can also get you in big trouble with the court for not following the plan.
Why it’s bad for the child:
- It makes them feel like they must pick a side.
- It gives them too much power.
- It can hurt their bond with the other parent.
What the court sees:
- The court sees you are not helping the visit.
- The court sees you are breaking the rules.
- The court may step in and change the plan.
Real-Life Example: A mom told her son, “It’s okay, you don’t have to go to your dad’s.” The dad told the judge. The judge was very unhappy with the mom for not following the parenting plan.
What Happens If I Don’t Make My Child Go?
The Court Can Step In: If you do not follow the court’s plan, the other parent can tell the judge. The court expects you to make the visits happen. They will not like that you are resisting the plan.
You Could Lose Time: This is very serious. If you keep letting your child skip visits, the judge can make changes. You could even risk losing your own time with the child. The judge may decide the other parent is better at following rules.
What the other parent can do:
- They can call their lawyer.
- They can file papers with the court.
- They can ask the judge to make you follow the rule.
What the judge can do:
- The judge can order makeup time for the other parent.
- The judge can make you pay fines.
- The judge can change who the child lives with.
Real-Life Example: A dad let his daughter skip visits with her mom for three months. The mom took him to court. The judge ordered the dad to pay the mom’s lawyer fees and gave the mom extra weeks in the summer.
When Should I Call a Lawyer?
For Serious Problems: If you truly believe your child is in danger, call a lawyer. This is for big issues like drug use, alcohol abuse, or harm. Do not wait.
To Ask for a Change: If your child’s wish is very strong and they are older, you can ask. A lawyer can help you ask the court to look at the plan again. This is different from just letting the child decide. This is a key part of a child’s say in a parenting battle.
Good times to call a lawyer:
- You think your child is unsafe.
- The other parent is breaking the rules.
- You want to ask the judge to change the plan.
Bad times to let it go:
- When your child just says it is “boring.”
- When your child would rather play with friends.
- When you are just mad at your ex.
Real-Life Example: When Tom’s 15-year-old son refused to visit his mom, Tom was stuck. He called a lawyer. The lawyer helped him file a paper asking the judge to listen to his son’s reasons.
Why Must I Follow the Court’s Plan?
It Is a Rule: A court plan is not a suggestion. It is a rule from a judge that you must follow. Breaking it has real results.
It Is Your Role as Parent: Following the plan shows you are a good parent. It shows you can guide your child. Letting a child make big choices can weaken your role as a parent.
Why the plan is key:
- It gives the child a set schedule.
- It stops fights between parents.
- It is what a judge said was best.
What happens if you don’t:
- You can get in trouble with the judge.
- It shows you can’t guide your child.
- It can make things worse for your child.
Real-Life Example: Anna’s ex-husband was not following the plan for pickups. Anna’s lawyer helped her show the judge. The judge made the rules for pickup clearer and told the ex-husband to follow them.
What Is My Job as the Main Parent?
Help the Visit Happen: The court expects the parent who has the child to help the visit. This means you must get the child ready. You must make sure they go.
Be Positive: Your job is to make the experience positive. This helps your child have a good bond with the other parent. This is a very important part of being the main parent.
Your job list:
- Pack their bags for the visit.
- Speak well of the other parent.
- Have them ready on time.
What is *not* your job:
- Letting the child decide to skip.
- Telling the child bad things about the ex.
- Asking the child to “spy” on the other parent.
Real-Life Example: Even though it was hard, Jane always packed her son’s favorite toy for his dad’s house. She would say, “Have a great time at Dad’s!” This helped her son feel okay about going.
Extra Insights:
Thinking Long-Term: Remember that children grow and change. A child who refuses to go at age 10 may feel very different at age 14. Your goal is to keep the door open for a bond with both parents for their whole life.
When to Get Help: If this problem keeps happening, it may be time to ask for help. A change to the parenting plan might be needed. Sometimes, a family helper or counselor can also find out the real reason the child is refusing.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. At what age can a child in Michigan decide who they live with?
A child in Michigan can never fully decide on their own. A judge will listen to an older child’s wish but must still rule based on their best interest.
2. What is the “best interest of the child” rule?
This is the main rule judges use to decide on parenting time. It includes the child’s safety, health, and bond with each parent.
3. Can I get in trouble if my 15-year-old refuses to go?
Yes, you can still get in trouble. You must show the court you are doing everything you can to make them go, even if they are a teen.
4. What if my ex is a bad parent?
You cannot stop visits on your own just because you think they are a bad parent. You must file papers with the court and let a judge decide if the child is unsafe.
5. Should I call the police if my child won’t go?
Calling the police is usually not a good idea and can scare the child. Your first step should be to talk to your lawyer about the refusal.
6. Does my child have to go if they are sick?
Use good judgment, just as you would for school. A small cold is not a reason to skip, but a high fever might be; talk to the other parent.
7. My ex always brings the child back late. What can I do?
Keep a record of every time it happens. Then, ask your lawyer to file a paper with the court to fix the problem.
8. What if my child says it’s “boring” at the other parent’s house?
Being bored is not a good enough reason to skip a court-ordered visit. You must still make sure the child goes.
9. Can I change the parenting plan?
Yes, but you must ask the court to do it. You need to show a big change in life or that the old plan is not working.
10. Will the judge talk to my child?
A judge may or may not talk to the child, often in their office. This is more likely if the child is older and mature.
11. What if my ex is telling my child bad things about me?
This is a serious problem that can hurt the child. You should tell your lawyer so they can bring this to the judge’s attention.
12. Does this apply if we were never married?
Yes, if there is a court plan for parenting time, it must be followed. It does not matter if the parents were married or not.
We Can Help You:
If you have questions about your case, reach out to us. At Goldman and Associates, our team handles these issues all the time. We are here to help you.
Call or text us at (248) 590-6600. You can also visit ChooseGoldman.com to set up a free talk with us. We will be glad to help you.