A divorce is a hard time for a family. It can be very tough for kids who do not get why things are changing. As a parent, your most important job is to make your children feel safe and loved. This guide will share key things all parents should know to help their kids.
Why Must Children Always Come First?
Your Child’s Needs: When parents divorce, the court wants to see that you care most about your kids. Your own wants should come after their needs. This shows the judge you are a good and caring parent.
Showing You Care: You can show you care by making good choices for your children each day. This means keeping them safe and happy. Making bad choices can hurt your case in court and harm your child.
Ways to Put Your Child First:
- Always Watch Them: Make sure a grown-up you trust is always with your young child.
- Focus on Them: Spend good time with your kids and listen to how they feel.
- Provide a Safe Home: Make sure your home is a safe and loving place for them.
Important Areas of Focus:
- School Comes First: Help them with homework and talk to their teachers.
- Health is Key: Take them to the doctor for checkups and when they are sick.
- Show Them Love: Tell them you love them and that the divorce is not their fault.
Real-Life Example: A dad loved to watch sports on TV. But he chose to play at the park with his son instead of watching a big game. This small choice showed his son that he was the most important thing to his dad.
How Do Routines Help Children?
Feeling Safe: Kids feel safe when they know what will happen next. A divorce changes so many things in their lives. Keeping routines, like bedtime, helps them feel that life is still normal.
Same Rules in Both Houses: It is very helpful if both parents have the same bedtimes and meal times. This makes it easier for the child when they move between the two homes. It gives them a feeling of order when things feel messy.
Daily Routines to Keep:
- Same Bedtime: If bedtime was 8:00 PM when you lived together, it should still be 8:00 PM.
- Regular Meals: Try to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same times each day.
- Homework Hour: Set aside the same time for schoolwork every school day.
Weekly and Morning Plans:
- Morning Steps: Keep the same plan for getting dressed and eating before school.
- Weekend Fun: Plan fun things for the weekend that your child can look forward to.
- Chores and Jobs: Keep their small jobs around the house the same to teach them duty.
Real-Life Example: Sarah’s parents were getting a divorce. Her mom made sure that Sarah still went to her piano class every Tuesday. This normal part of her week helped Sarah feel like not everything in her life had changed.
Why Should Parents Avoid Competing?
Trying to Be the “Fun” Parent: Sometimes, one parent tries to be the “fun” one by breaking the rules. They might let the child stay up late or eat lots of junk food. This may seem nice, but it is a bad idea that causes problems.
How This Hurts the Child: This contest between parents confuses kids. It makes it hard for them to follow the rules at the other parent’s home. It can also make a child feel like they have to pick one parent over the other.
Ways to Avoid Competing:
- Avoid Big Gifts: Do not try to win your child’s love by buying them costly toys.
- Stick to the Rules: Use the same rules that you and the other parent have agreed on.
- Work as a Team: Remember that you and your ex are still a team for your child.
Tips for Being a Good Co-Parent:
- Be a Parent, Not a Friend: Your child needs you to be a parent who sets rules, not just a friend.
- Talk to Your Ex: Speak with the other parent so you are both on the same page with rules.
- Show Love with Time: Show your love with your time and care, not by breaking rules.
Real-Life Example: Tom’s dad let him play video games all night when he was there. When Tom went back to his mom’s house, he was too tired for school and was often in a bad mood. This made things harder for his mom and for Tom.
What Happens When You Say Bad Things About Your Ex?
It Hurts Your Child Most: Saying mean things about the other parent hurts your child a lot. Your child is a part of both of you and loves you both. Hearing bad words makes them feel sad and confused.
It Looks Bad to the Court: A judge will not like it if you speak badly about your ex. It shows the judge that you cannot work together as parents. This can affect the judge’s choices about parenting time.
Things to Do Instead:
- Keep Adult Problems Private: Talk about your angry feelings with a friend you trust, not with your child.
- Use a Calm Tone: When you have to talk about your ex, use calm and simple words.
- Correct Others Gently: If family members say bad things, ask them to please stop in front of the child.
Good Talking Habits:
- Think Before You Speak: Take a deep breath before you say something in anger that you might feel bad about later.
- Talk About Facts, Not Feelings: Talk about plans and times, not your bad feelings about the other parent.
- Be a Good Example: Show your child how to treat other people with kindness, even when it is hard.
Real-Life Example: Maria’s mom would often say that Maria’s dad was lazy. This made Maria feel bad about loving her dad. She started to feel like she had to hide that she had fun when she was with him.
How Do You Make a Good Co-Parenting Plan?
Working Together as Parents: A co-parenting plan is a set of rules for how you will raise your child after the divorce. You should sit down with the other parent and agree on the big things. This helps you avoid fights later on.
What to Put in Your Plan: Your plan should cover big parts of your child’s life, like school, health, and friends. The main goal is to make life clear and steady for your child. Good Michigan family law attorneys can help you make a solid plan.
Key School and Health Topics:
- School Choices: Agree on which school the child will go to and who will go to meetings.
- Medical Choices: Decide how you will handle doctor visits, shots, and other health topics.
- Homework Help: Plan who will help with homework on school nights.
Social Life and Schedules:
- Time with Friends: Set clear rules for when and where your child can see their friends.
- Curfews: Agree on a bedtime for when your child must be home. It should be the same in both houses.
- Holiday Schedules: Decide before the holiday where the child will spend big holidays each year.
Real-Life Example: John and Lisa made a parenting plan for their son. They agreed that their son could play on the soccer team, but only if he did his homework first. Both parents used this same rule, so their son knew what to expect.
Why Is Being the Same So Important?
One Set of Rules for a Child: Life is easier for kids when the rules are the same in both homes. If one house is very strict and the other has no rules, it is very confusing. This can cause a child to act out or feel worried.
Creating a Sense of Balance: You want to avoid one home feeling like a boot camp and the other feeling like a party. It is best to find a middle ground that works for both parents. This balance helps your child feel steady and safe.
Rules to Keep the Same:
- Screen Time Limits: Have the same rules for how much time can be spent on TV, phones, and games.
- Mealtime Manners: Expect the same good table manners, like saying “please” and “thank you.”
- Bedtime Steps: Keep the same steps for getting ready for bed, such as brushing teeth and reading a story.
More Areas to Be the Same:
- Punishments: Try to use similar ways to handle bad behavior, like a time-out.
- Allowance Rules: Decide together if you will give an allowance and how much it will be.
- Stay in Touch: Talk often with the other parent about how things are going to stay on the same page.
Real-Life Example: At his dad’s house, 10-year-old Leo had to be in bed by 9:00 PM. But at his mom’s house, he could stay up until 11:00 PM. This made it very hard for Leo to wake up for school in the mornings.
How Does the Court Watch Parents?
You Are Being Watched by the Court: During a divorce, a judge watches how you act very closely. They are trying to see if you are a parent who does the right thing. Everything you do, say, and post online can be looked at by the court.
Making Good Choices for Your Case: The judge will look at your actions to decide who is the better parent to care for the child. Your choices show the court if you put your child’s needs first. This is a big part of the process when you file for divorce in Michigan.
Actions the Court Likes to See:
- Be on Time: Always be on time when you pick up or drop off your child.
- Be Polite to Your Ex: Be calm and nice when you speak to your ex, especially near your child.
- Follow Court Orders: Do what the judge has told you to do without arguing.
Actions to Avoid:
- Stay off Social Media: Do not post bad things about your ex or your case online.
- Work With the Other Parent: Show the court that you can work together for the good of your child.
- Keep Good Notes: Write down important dates and talks you have about your child.
Real-Life Example: A mother was often 30 minutes late to pick up her daughter from the father’s house. The father kept a list of the dates and times she was late. The judge saw this list and was not happy with the mother’s actions.
Why Does Your Behavior Matter So Much?
It Shapes the Final Choice: How you act during your divorce can change the final result in court. A judge wants to give children to a parent who is calm and always puts the child first. We talk about this in our video, What Every Parent Should Know About Divorce.
Long-Term Effects on Your Family: Your behavior also sets the tone for your future with your child and your ex. Acting with kindness helps build a good co-parenting relationship that can last for many years. This can be a hard time, and a good lawyer can help you.
Good Behaviors to Practice:
- Be Patient: The divorce process can be slow, so try to be patient.
- Be Honest: Always tell the truth to your lawyer and to the court.
- Focus on the Future: Try not to get stuck on feeling angry about things in the past.
Tips for Staying Strong:
- Take Care of Yourself: Eat healthy food and get enough sleep so you can handle stress.
- Ask for Help if Needed: Talk to a helper or a good friend if you are feeling very sad.
- Be a Good Example: Your child is always watching you and learning from you how to handle hard times.
Real-Life Example: Even though he was very angry, a father always spoke in a calm voice to his ex-wife on the phone about their kids. This showed the court that he could be a good co-parent. The judge saw his good behavior when making a choice.
When Is the Right Time to Tell Your Kids?
A United and Calm Talk: The best way to tell your kids about the divorce is to do it together with the other parent. This shows your children that you are still a team as their parents. It also stops them from hearing the news from someone else.
Choose a Quiet Moment: Pick a time to talk when you will not be in a hurry. Make sure you have plenty of time to answer all of their questions. For more helpful tips, you can watch our video about When to Tell Your Kids About the Divorce.
How to Plan the Talk:
- Plan What to Say: Agree with your ex on the main points you want to share.
- Keep Your Words Simple: Use words that your child can understand based on their age.
- Tell Them They are Loved: Tell them over and over again that you both love them very much.
Key Things to Say:
- Say It Is Not Their Fault: Make it very clear to your child that the divorce is a grown-up problem.
- Be Ready for Questions: Think about what your kids might ask and how you will answer them simply.
- Show Them Love: End the talk with plenty of hugs and kind words to help them feel safe.
Real-Life Example: Mike and Jen sat down with their two kids on a Saturday morning. They calmly said that Mom and Dad would be living in two separate houses now. They said they would both always be their parents and love them, and they let the kids ask questions.
Extra Insights
Focus on Your Child’s Feelings: Pay close attention to how your child is acting during the divorce. They may not use words to tell you that they are sad or scared. Look for changes in their sleep, their school grades, or how they play with friends.
Keep Other Adults in the Know: It is a good idea to tell your child’s teachers and school helpers about the divorce. These grown-ups see your child almost every day. They can watch for any signs of trouble and can give your child extra help when they need it.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Will I lose my kids if I move out of the house?
Moving out does not mean you will lose your kids. The court will decide parenting time based on what is best for the children.
2. What is the main thing a judge looks at?
The judge’s main focus is always the child’s best interest. They look at which parent can give the child a safe and loving home.
3. Do we have to go to court for a divorce?
Not always. Many parents can agree on things with the help of their lawyers. This can keep you out of court.
4. How old does a child have to be to pick a parent to live with?
A judge can listen to an older child’s choice. But the judge always makes the final choice based on what is best.
5. What if my ex does not follow our parenting plan?
You should speak to your lawyer about what to do. You might need to go back to court to make the other parent follow the plan.
6. Can I stop my ex from seeing the kids if they do not pay child support?
No, you cannot do that. Parenting time and child support are two separate things in the eyes of the law.
7. How do we split holidays and school breaks?
Parents usually take turns with holidays each year. This agreement should be written down clearly in your parenting plan.
8. What is a co-parenting plan?
It is a written paper that explains how you and your ex will raise your children after you are divorced. It covers things like schedules and rules.
9. Should we get a helper for our kids?
It can be a very good idea for many children. A helper can give your child a safe space to talk about their feelings.
10. When can I introduce my new partner to my kids?
It is best to wait until after the divorce is over. You should also be sure the new relationship is a serious one.
11. What if we do not agree on medical care for our child?
Your parenting plan should say how you will make big medical choices. If you still cannot agree, a judge may need to help you decide.
12. Does it matter to the court who wanted the divorce?
The court does not usually look at who wanted the divorce. The judge’s focus is on what is best for the children now.
Going through a divorce is hard, but putting your child’s happiness and safety first makes a big difference. If you have questions, getting legal help is a good idea. Our team is here to give you the help you need.
Contact us for a free meeting to talk about your case. You can call or text us at (248) 590-6600 or visit ChooseGoldman.com to learn more about how we can help your family through this time.