Breaking up with someone is hard. You hope for peace after you part ways. But sometimes, an ex will keep trying to talk to you, which can make you feel unsafe.
What Does It Mean When an Ex Keeps Bothering You?
A Simple Meaning: Today, people use the word “harass” for many things. It has lost some of its power. For an ex, it means they are doing something serious that makes you feel scared.
What a Judge Looks For: A court needs to see something that happens over and over. It must be contact you do not want. The ex must also have no good reason for the contact.
- Not just once: It has to happen more than one time.
- You said no: You made it clear you want to be left alone.
- No good purpose: Calling to yell is not a good purpose.
- It causes fear: The actions should make a person feel afraid.
- It is repeated: The person does the same bad thing again and again.
- You can show proof: You need things like texts or notes to show a judge.
Real-Life Example: Sue broke up with Bob. He started calling her all day and all night. He would not say anything, which scared Sue because it happened so often.
When Is it Okay for an Ex to Contact You?
Talking About Your Kids: If you share children, you have to talk. Your ex might call you to plan a visit. They might text you about a doctor’s trip. This is not a problem.
Children Must Come First: You may feel mad at your ex. But you still need to talk about your kids. A judge sees these talks as needed for a good reason.
- Pick-up times: Planning when to get the kids is a good reason to call.
- School news: Sharing a note from a teacher is important.
- Child support: Talking about money for the child is also okay.
- Sending a child’s photo: An ex sending a nice picture is usually fine.
- Asking if a child feels better: This shows they care about the child.
- Planning a child’s party: Working together for your child is normal.
Real-Life Example: Mike sent a text to his ex, Jen. It said their son’s ball game was moved to a new time. Jen did not want to talk to Mike, but this was a good reason for his text.
What Kinds of Threats Are a Big Problem?
Clear Words of Harm: If your ex says they will hurt you, that is a big problem. This is very serious. The police and courts will want to know about these words.
Hidden Meanings: Sometimes threats are not so clear. Your ex could say, “I hope your car stays safe.” This is a hidden threat. It is meant to make you feel afraid.
- Words about you: Any talk about causing you pain or harm.
- Words about your family: Saying they will hurt people you love.
- Words about your pets: A threat to hurt an animal is a very bad sign.
- “You will pay for this”: This is not clear but it sounds scary.
- “You should be careful”: This sounds like a warning of harm.
- “I can find you anywhere”: This shows they can get to you.
Real-Life Example: Bill’s ex sent him a message. It said, “That is a nice house. I would hate to see something bad happen to it.” Bill knew this was a hidden threat and it made him scared.
Can Too Many Calls and Texts Be Wrong?
A Flooded Phone: Your ex may send you texts all day long. They may call your phone again and again. This can be a problem if the words are mean or angry.
The Point Is to Scare You: This is not done to talk. It is done to make you feel like you have no peace. A judge will often see this as contact that needs to stop.
- Calls in the middle of the night: This wakes you up and scares you.
- Many texts in a row: This keeps your phone buzzing all the time.
- Using bad language: Filling texts with swear words is not okay.
- Do not delete them: Keep all the texts and the list of calls.
- Count the number of times: A list of 50 calls shows it is a problem.
- Note the time: Calls at 3 in the morning are not for a good reason.
Real-Life Example: Jill’s ex sent her 100 texts in one hour. They were all mean and did not make sense. It made her feel like she could not get away from him.
What if My Ex Shows Up Where I Am?
It Is Not by Chance: Does your ex show up everywhere you go? They may be at the store or at your job. This may not be by chance. It can be a way to watch you.
This Can Cross a Line: If this happens once, it is strange. If it happens many times, it can be a real problem. For more help, you can watch a video that explains what counts as unwanted contact.
- At your work: Coming to your job when they have no reason to be there.
- At a friend’s house: Showing up at a get-together you are at.
- When you are with someone new: Appearing when you are on a date.
- Write it down: Keep a list of every time this happens. Note the date and place.
- Have a friend see: Make sure other people can say they saw your ex there.
- Be careful online: Do not post where you are going on the computer.
Real-Life Example: Ann went to a cafe. Her ex, who lives far away, came in and sat near her. This happened three more times at other places that same week.
How Can a Court Order an Ex to Stop?
A Paper from a Judge: A judge can help stop this. They can sign a paper that is a special order. This paper tells your ex to leave you alone and stay away from you.
There Are Rules to Follow: This paper can say your ex must stay far from your home. It can say they cannot call you at all. If your ex breaks these rules, they can go to jail. If you feel that your ex is stalking you, you should get help.
- No calls or messages: The paper can stop all contact.
- Keep away from your house: It can name your street as a place they cannot go.
- Keep away from your job: It can also keep you safe when you are at work.
- You must ask the court: You need to fill out papers to ask for this help.
- You must show your facts: You need to give the judge your proof.
- The order can run out: These papers are good for a certain amount of time.
Real-Life Example: Jill showed a judge proof of all the calls and visits. The judge gave her a safety paper. It said her ex had to stay far away and could not call her.
How Do You Show This Has Happened Many Times?
Paint a Full Picture: You must show a judge this was not just one mistake. You must show the bad actions happened over and over. A list of dates and times can help show this.
Collect Your Proof: You will need to gather things to show the judge. This means you save all texts, emails, and phone messages. You can also keep a log of what happened each day.
- Pictures of texts: Take pictures on your phone of the mean texts.
- A list of calls: Get a list from your phone company that shows all the calls.
- Printed emails: Print out any bad messages from the computer.
- A written log: Use a notebook to write down each time something bad happens.
- People who saw it: Write down the names of friends who saw what took place.
- Photos: A picture of your ex outside your house can be good proof.
Real-Life Example: Ken took a folder to court. It had printed texts and a log of calls. It also had a note from his boss who saw Ken’s ex come to the office for no reason.
Why Is It Good to Get Help from a Lawyer?
Each Story Is Not the Same: Your story is your own. Some acts are just a mix-up. Other acts are meant to cause fear. It can be hard to sort out family law problems on your own.
A Lawyer Knows the Rules: A lawyer can help you know your rights. They can look at your proof and tell you what a judge might think. They can help you fill out the right papers for the court. Knowing if your ex is bothering you and your children is a key first step.
- They know the laws: They know what proof a judge will want to see.
- They can do the paperwork: They make sure all the court forms are right.
- They can speak for you in court: They can tell your side of the story to the judge.
- They give you good advice: They can tell you the best things to do to stay safe.
- They can lower your worry: You will not have to face the judge by yourself.
- They help you think clearly: They are not emotional and can see the facts.
Real-Life Example: Lisa was not sure what to do. She talked to a lawyer, who looked at all her notes. The lawyer said it was a serious problem and helped her ask a judge for a safety paper.
Extra Insights
Call for Help if You Are Scared: If you feel like you are in danger right now, call 911. The police can help you right away. A court paper is for long-term safety, but the police are there for you in a crisis.
Block Them on Your Phone and Computer: A lot of bad contact now happens online. You should block your ex on your phone. You should also block them on sites like Facebook. This sends a clear sign you want to be left alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Can my ex get in trouble for yelling at me?
If it happens over and over and makes you afraid, it might be a problem. One time may not be enough for a judge to act.
2. What if my ex emails me about our son every day?
If the emails are just about your son, it is likely okay. But if they have mean words or threats, it is not okay.
3. Is it bad if my ex drives past my house?
Driving on a public road is not against the law. But if they do it all the time, it might be seen as watching you.
4. Do I have to tell my ex to stop before I get help?
It is good to have proof you asked them to stop. A text that says, “do not contact me again” is good proof.
5. Can I get a safety paper if we were not married?
Yes, these laws help people who were dating. You do not need to be married to get this kind of help.
6. How long does a safety paper from a judge last?
A judge will decide how long it lasts. It is often good for one year, but each case is its own.
7. What if my ex breaks the rules of the safety paper?
You should call the police if your ex breaks the rules. This is a crime, and they can be arrested for it.
8. Can my ex see our kids if there is a safety paper?
A judge will make a plan for the children. Sometimes the plan will name a safe place for you to swap the kids.
9. Does it cost money to ask a judge for help?
Yes, the court has fees to file papers. You can ask the court to let you file for free if you do not have the money.
10. Will I have to speak to a judge?
Yes, there will be a time to go to court. A judge will listen to you and to your ex before they decide.
11. Can my ex’s new partner bother me?
Yes, if someone else bothers you for your ex, that can be a problem too. This includes a new partner or a friend.
12. What if the contact is on the computer?
Sending you bad messages online is a form of contact. You should take pictures of the messages for proof.
If an ex will not leave you alone, you may feel lost. We can help you understand what to do next. For a free consultation, please call or text us at (248) 590-6600. You can also visit ChooseGoldman.com to set up a time to talk.