You can have someone calling the other parent names. Tolerating and coping with the circumstances can be quite challenging. What should one do? People may start disparaging other people after a breakup. Is there anything you can do about it? You can definitely do something about it. Should you take any action in response to this? That is a separate question. You’re dealing with parental alienation when your ex-in-laws are badmouthing you to your children.
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Let’s presume you’ve determined there isn’t any other option. You must take action in this regard. You can speak with your trusted family law attorney in Michigan. Let them know what was communicated. Show them the display of the documented evidence. The attorney can determine whether it will be accepted by the court. There will be some very significant disparagement, which the court will not accept. You need to make the court aware of it. Request that your attorney file the necessary motions.
What is badmouthing, disparaging, and parental alienation in co-parenting?
Parental involvement in a child’s upbringing is referred to as co-parenting. The sum of all the work parents perform in their children’s daily lives. Most choices regarding child custody and divorce include some form of co-parenting. There are exceptions in serious situations like domestic violence. Discussing custody options as a couple is part of co-parenting. Exchanges between parents and interaction at children’s events are also part of it. It involves talking about concerns involving children. Making doctor’s appointments, parent-teacher conferences, and other important arrangements is an example of this.
Parental alienation
The idea of parental alienation was first articulated in 1985 by child psychiatrist Dr. Richard Gardner. Dr. Gardner described how charges of abuse significantly heightened the already volatile situation of child custody disputes. In 1998, Dr. Gardner reiterated the same conclusions. The indoctrination or programming of a child by one parent to disparage and alienate the other parent, as well as the child’s readiness to participate in it, is known as parental alienation syndrome. Very few judges or lawyers had ever heard of parental alienation in the 1980s or 1990s.
Today we hear much about parental alienation. It is a term that most courts and mental health professionals are now familiar with. That does not imply that a therapist or a judge thinks that parental alienation is real. It does not mean it will be an acknowledged issue. Even so, parental alienation is clearly observable. and does serious harm to both the child and the parent. The negative impacts of parental alienation can be long-lasting. At times even permanent, depending on the degree and length of the alienation.
Disparagement
Divorce is a painful process to go through. Parents must become effective co-parents. They should be before starting a divorce process for the sake of their children. Co-parenting with a soon-to-be ex-spouse may often be a difficult undertaking. In some cases even more difficult than the actual divorce process. Hurt and resentment can often lead to parent disparagement. It unintentionally jeopardizes the well-being of children. Even then, in pain, we can’t seem to avoid it. It keeps a couple from being able to co-parent. There are many reasons why such things happen the way they do. It can be a spouse having an affair. It can be one spouse moving on too quickly.
Maybe one spouse is too emotionally damaged to feel any empathy for anyone. Even their own children. So the resentful spouse lashes out. Say the most awful words about their co-parent and spouse. They all say it in the presence of their children. Children inadvertently hear the uncensored version of their pain. A version children are not equipped to process. What we know as disparagement in the legal circle is what you popularly refer to as badmouthing.
A co-parent disparaging you is serious enough. You add your in-laws doing their own sharing of badmouthing and you have a sort of all-out war to get you. Marrying and having a family really has two sides to it like a coin. Some people believe that when you marry your spouse, you also marry their entire family. Unfortunately, when you have children, you may have to stay with that family after divorce. You’re really stuck on the other side of the coin. When the family is tossed around by events like an impending divorce, everyone is in the same boat of emotions. But what will be the effect of all that on children?
What are the effects of badmouthing on your children?
When grandparents, aunts, and uncles criticize their in-laws in front of the children, issues arise. As a result of your divorce as their parents, your children may need their extended family more than before. They should be able to spend time with them without hearing negative things about either of you. Parents may be still getting divorced. You may have already divorced. Parents are often advised not to argue or criticize one another in front of their children. All family members and friends must follow the same rules. No child wants to hear negative remarks about either parent. Children see such interaction as a reflection of their parents’ feelings toward them. They can feel pressured to support that parent or take a stand. Taking a side at the expense of another parent is a very heavy burden to carry for children. Parents must avoid putting children in these situations.
Children may shun their parents altogether
Children are experiencing troubling things unfolding before them. Before them are people they trust, and love. The people they thought trusted and loved each other. They are saying the most horrible things about each other. Right there trust is broken. Love is lost. Uncertainty takes over. Fear. Anxiety. Distress. These troubling things happening too often will start to build a different reality. The children may start believing what they hear as true. They may start to resent their parents. They start losing that sense of security around them. Children will start disengaging from parenting time. It disrupts the tranquility of parenting time.
Children may internalize what they are witnessing
Children may internalize the disparagement they are witnessing. The child while in the other household during parenting time is having experiences. When they misbehave or do anything unpleasant they are admonished. They hear words said to them like, “You are just like your mother.” These tirades can be emotionally damaging to the child. A child may act out or withdraw as a result. Such things shouldn’t be done to children. They have no context. They lack any sense of what’s happening or about to happen. They internalize these things. They are unable to understand or respond to such situations.
Anyone who disparages the other parent jeopardizes the well-being of the child. The court has the authority to modify an existing child custody arrangement. The amount of time spent with children can be cut by the judge. The judge may issue an invitation to the child if they are old enough to attend court. While the matter is being heard, children can give testimony regarding the slander. The parent being disparaged may request that the other parent be found in contempt of court.
It’s never simple to get along with one’s in-laws. Of course, every family is different from one another. Some people may be lucky enough to have excellent in-laws. People are often forced to put up with unpleasant, combative, and invasive in-laws. The tension increases when they treat you disrespectfully. Trying to figure out how to deal with harsh in-laws may cause you to have many restless nights. There aren’t any simple solutions on how to handle rude in-laws, especially the kind that badmouths you. You must evaluate the circumstances and decide how to respond to their attacks without offending them. Yes, finding the right balance may be challenging.
What can you do if your in-laws are badmouthing you to the children?
It’s never simple to get along with one’s in-laws. Of course, every family is different from one another. Some people may be lucky enough to have excellent in-laws. In-laws can be unpleasant, contentious, and invasive most of the time. The tension increases when they treat you disrespectfully. Trying to figure out how to deal with harsh in-laws may cause you to have many restless nights.
Talk to your spouse
Talk to your spouse about what’s happening. Your spouse is in a better position to deal with your in-laws. You have to agree on a united front to deal with this disparagement. You need to make your co-parent understand that you’re dealing with disparagement. Behaviors that can lead to parental alienation.
Set boundaries
Once you have a united front with your co-parent. You have to let your co-parent set a less combative way to express the boundaries. Let the in-laws know badmouthing will not be tolerated.
Model positive behavior
You should be the model of the behavior you expect from your in-laws. Speak positively about your co-parent in the presence of your children. This should counter what negative messages they are receiving from your in-laws. Winning them with kind words, praises, and love might just work.
Seek professional help
Sometimes it is best to bite the bullet and tolerate your in-laws. The problem with that is that the stress piles up. The anxiety, frustration, and rage will build up. If you can’t fight them, then find a way to cope. Ask for help. There are professionals who can help you build a coping mechanism for these. You also need to keep your sanity and live a life with your children.
Be honest with your children
Your children will ask. Maybe they have already asked the questions about what your in-laws are talking about. You may have to be honest with your children. You don’t want to lose their trust. Your children also need to know that what the in-laws are saying are opinions. It is driven by what they feel about the person or situation. Opinions are not necessarily true.
Encourage your children to form their own opinions
Better than understanding your in-law’s opinion, teach your children to form theirs. Help them develop their own opinions about their in-laws. Help them express their opinion about the situation. This is more empowering. Such empowerment may help them deal with your in-laws on their own. Up to a certain point, your children will outgrow their in-laws and even outgrow you. The teenage phase will set in very quickly. They will become a very different person. Their own person, if ever they find that one. Your job is to help them get a good road map for their own lives.
Be patient
You will have to deal with your in-laws as long as parenting time is shared. It means they will probably be around even until your child gets to be 18. Knock on wood. Be patient. You will have to live with that reality. Your children will also need that same patience. There’s a lot of growing up they still need to do. A lot of learning moments to deal with like your divorce, your badmouthing in-laws, and their own growing pains.
You’re not the only one dealing with in-laws. The best thing is to learn to cope. Seek help and find your center. Take your children along for the ride so they can learn to cope with you. Instead of keeping your co-parent (and ex-spouse) at arm’s length, why not make an ally and deal with it together? If all else fails, you still have legal options. Talk to your Michigan divorce attorney. In all these, you still need to consider your ex-spouse’s feelings and thoughts on the issue. Whether it’s part of your plan or not, your ex-spouse will be your co-parent for a long time, up until your children reach 18 years of age.
Your spouse may turn out to be the ally you need against your in-laws. You’ll never know. Some say people marry to get away from home. They’re actually referring to the people living at home. Your in-laws. You may not be the reason why your spouse got married after all. Now they are again probably the reason why you are divorcing. Your spouse just went full circle.
What options do you have against in-laws who badmouth you to your children?
There are still options you can exercise but talk to your attorney first if these options apply to you. Like what we always say, every case is fact-specific. What are the facts in your case supporting your position or desired outcome? The only concrete option you can leverage may be the parenting plan. The only legal tool you can use in which the court can back you up during enforcement. Let’s get ahead and check some.
Revisit your parenting plan
Check if you have a provision against disparagement and how to deal with it. A parenting time schedule can assist in preventing parental alienation or badmouthing. For this reason, you can urge your lawyer to insert a clause or provision in the parenting time schedule. Such a provision can act as a guide for behavior when your children are around. Nothing prohibits you from including a clause in the parenting plan against disparaging behavior. It may be difficult to enforce though. You can’t stop anyone from disparaging you to your children. But, you can control the opportunities for your in-laws. Limiting interaction with your children is one such control.
Controlling conditions of parenting time
Allow parenting time that includes in-laws to be done only in your presence. This will be effective if your parenting plan includes this arrangement. It makes it easier for the court to enforce it. Always keep in mind that the court or the FOC cannot enforce anything outside your parenting plan.
Be creative with your parenting time plan
Some of the issues they try to solve might never become problems. The parental time plan’s inclusion of such a clause protects against them. If they do pose a problem, it makes solving the problem simpler. The parent now has access to the legal system thanks to this provision. You have options if someone is disparaging you in front of your children. Such attacks frequently occur when one parent starts a new relationship. The first line of defense against disparaging is parenting strategies. On occasion, extralegal actions are required. A court may order psychological testing or counseling.
An example of emotional child abuse is when a parent-child relationship ends. No matter what the causes, the nature of the court system is adversarial. It is counterproductive. Some mental health professionals say that the divorce process fosters an aggressive atmosphere. It becomes more aggressive with toxic in-laws in the mix. In-laws who try really hard to put a wedge between you and your children. You and your co-parent. Parents who are divorcing often find themselves in a “me against you” situation. Your marriage suffers because of your in-laws’ interference. They can be a genuine pain. There will be problems if your in-laws are impolite, cheeky, manipulative, and nasty. They will sap the joy from your marriage and your life.
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